Disclaimer: Disclaimer: Paramount owns all characters and everything Trek. Yada yada yada. I'm just playing with them, so the story is all mine.

Just One

by Dee Price


The corridors of Voyager were deathly quiet as Kathryn slowly strolled along. It was three a.m. and this nightly stroll had been happening a lot. She felt tense all the time and prowling the corridors late at night was becoming a regular habit. Reaching back she started massaging her neck muscles, as they seemed extremely tight this particular night. How long, she wondered, had it been since she had a good night sleep . . . days, months, maybe even years?

Her thoughts turned to Chakotay, her First Officer, and her heart skipped a beat. She winced, knowing why. She cared very deeply for him, but could not admit it, especially to him. Oh she knew he cared for her as evidenced at New Earth and more recently when she had 'died' several times when the alien presence had tried to get her to come with him. Chakotay's heartbreak then at her 'death' had been overwhelming, but she had finally convinced herself it was all part of the alien's scheme. Periodically, however, she found herself wondering if it really had been an illusion.

She looked around uncertain for a moment what deck or what corridor she was on. Maybe she would just go to the Holodeck . . . No! She had done that too much and decided to just continue her aimless stroll. Later, she suddenly realized she was standing in front of Chakotay's quarters, and turned quickly and walked away, glancing over her shoulder to see if he had heard her and come to the door. Was that accidental or her subconscious that she had ended up there? Purely accidental she chided herself.

Kathryn continued to roam and soon found herself at the Mess Hall. Upon walking in, however, she discovered it was completely devoid of any crewmember.

"Guess everyone is either at work or getting some sleep," she mumbled half aloud. Walking over to the view port she stared aimlessly out into space, her random thoughts bombarding her already aching head.

She thought of Voyager . . . her ship, and smiled. It had served them all proudly and well, in this strange new quadrant. Would she get her crew and this ship home? Would she get everyone home safely? Would she and Chakotay make it alive? This last thought went through her like a bolt of lightning and she gave an involuntary gasp. What if Chakotay should die? Her body shuddered at that thought. How would she react to losing him, but especially how would she feel to lose him without ever telling him she cared? He would never know!

"I've got to stop thinking things like that, we're all going to make it. I have to believe that!" she snapped loudly at herself, the words reverberating through the empty room. "I'm not going to lose him . . . anybody," she corrected herself.

Well, those thoughts weren't helping so she might as well walk some more. Eventually, as she might well have predicted, she found herself in front of the Holodeck. It was running! Who on earth could be using the Holodeck this time of night, she wondered? Checking, she frowned. All it said was Chakotay. Without even thinking she punched in her override and walked in.

What she saw made her give an audible gasp. An exact duplicate of their home on New Earth! She walked slowly to the door of the house, and not knowing what to expect, cautiously leaned in. No one was there but EVERYTHING was as they had left it, including items laying about the table! Turning, she looked around the area, straining to hear a sound . . . any sound. Hearing nothing she headed for where the bathtub would be that Chakotay had surprised her with. It was there, too! The boat? Would it be there she asked herself excitedly? Chakotay had been working on it when Tuvok had hailed them. She started in that direction, but suddenly stopped. The program was running, but where was Chakotay? Well, he must be somewhere and she wanted to know why he was running this program and how long he had had it!

Nearing the area where the boat would be she suddenly heard a sound and stopped to listen. Recognizing the sound of a saw, she hurried on. As she neared the area she slowed and approached with caution. The sound had now changed to a hammer, and as she looked through the trees, she saw the boat. How beautiful it looked! And there was Chakotay, his shirt soaked in sweat. Suddenly he cursed, dropped the hammer, and grabbed his thumb while grimacing in pain. Concern for him made Kathryn step out from behind the tree and start for Chakotay. Her movement caught his eye and he whirled to face her. His eyes widened in surprise as he saw whom it was.

"Kathryn! What are you doing here?"

"Chakotay, you're hurt! Are you all right?"

"I'm fine, just hit my thumb with the hammer. I repeat, what are you doing here?" the tone of his voice taking on an angry sound.

The sharp edge to his voice caused Kathryn to suddenly stop and she put her hand to her face as she felt herself blushing.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Chakotay. I was prowling the halls, saw your name on the program and just came in without thinking. I apologize," she repeated, "I should never have invaded your privacy."

"You're the Captain, you have a right to go wherever you want."

"Within reason," she corrected.

They both looked at one another, unsure of what to say or do. Finally Kathryn broke the awkward silence. "How long have you had this program?"

Chakotay didn't answer, just stood looking at her, but a slight twinkle in his eyes made Kathryn realize he was enjoying her discomfort. Finally he walked towards her and said, "Almost from the day we came back on board Voyager. I started making notes until I thought I had remembered everything, then I made the program."

"You have remembered everything, Chakotay. It's an exact duplicate of what we had." Suddenly she smiled, and asked, "What about the monkey?"

Chakotay at first frowned at the word monkey, then said, "He's in the program, but I don't run him much. Usually I come here for the peaceful solitude it gives me." Then he added with a mischievous smile, "I did domesticate him, though."

Kathryn turned to look at Chakotay, started to ask another question, and then blushed beet red at her thought.

Puzzled, Chakotay stared at her for a moment, and then broke into a big smile. "Yes, I programmed a 'Kathryn', too, only I'm the Captain and she's the First Officer." he said as he burst out laughing.

Kathryn started laughing too, and said, "Oh no . . . you didn't . . . did you?"

By now Chakotay was beside himself with laughter but managed to choke out, "Of course! I asked you once if things were reversed would you have served under me, but you were evasive, so I reversed the situation in this program to see how you would respond."

Still laughing, Kathryn placed her hands on her hips and asked, "So how am I responding, Captain?"

Chakotay stopped laughing and looked deep into her eyes. "Perfect," he replied.

Kathryn quickly looked towards the boat, avoiding his answer but knowing full well what he meant. They were both quiet a few moments and finally, as she asked, "Have you finished the boat?" she turned and started walking toward it to take a closer look.

Chakotay, quickly following, answered "About another half hour."

"It looks finished to me. You do excellent work, Chakotay," she said as walked slowly around it while running her hands along the top. They both fell silent, not knowing what to say next. Finally Kathryn looked around, surveying all that had been their home on New Earth. She leaned against the boat and broke the silence with a long sigh.

"Would it surprise you to know I think of New Earth often?"

Chakotay looked startled, then said very softly, "Yes, it would, especially as you never mention it or the good times we had." Then his voice rose and again took on the angry tone Kathryn had heard earlier. "The minute you stepped back on board Voyager you became strictly Starfleet. You put that damnable Starfleet iron bar up your . . . . . . spine, and acted as if that time never occurred!"

Kathryn looked at him and fully understanding his anger, chose to ignore it. "I often find myself wondering what would have happened if we had stayed there," she said softly.

He walked over close to her, close enough that she could feel his breath, and said, "I can tell you what would have happened there, Kathryn. We would be in love, deliriously happy. We would be lovers, consider ourselves married and probably have a child by now. We would be a family!" He almost spat out the last few words as his voice rose.

Kathryn looked away, unable to meet the burning look in his eyes. Her mind was racing with her answers. You are right, Chakotay, but why can't I tell you that, - why can't I admit it and face the truth?

Instead she became defensive and whirled to face him, eyes blazing. "I have a ship to take care of and 145 people! I have to be concerned with getting them and this ship back to the Alpha Quadrant safely. I can't be concerned with anything else!" Her voice had the hard Janeway tone now, and Chakotay blinked, but didn't back down.

"At the expense of your personal life, Kathryn?" he yelled.

"Yes, damn it, yes . . . . . . why can't you see that?"

Chakotay leaned towards her until they were almost nose-to-nose. "We're in the Delta Quadrant, Kathryn, 60 years from home! How long do you think you can go on like this, not sleeping, prowling the halls all night? You have a right to a personal life, and some Starfleet rules must be changed to accommodate this situation in the Delta Quadrant. You can't keep on like this. You need time to relax and enjoy yourself. You need . . ." He stopped shouting and his voice dropped, almost to a whisper. "We need to be able to go to our quarters at night, to sit quietly with my arms around you, to share our feelings and our pain, to let me tell you that we'll get through everything together, that we'll make it home all right. To let me hold you in my arms all night while you get a good nights sleep so you can face the next day refreshed and revitalized. A strong, fresh Captain will certainly get us all home. I'm not sure a tense, tired and frazzled Captain will, as hard as you may try." He hesitated, then added, "Think about it, Kathryn," and he reached out and gently, like a feather in the wind, touched her cheek with the back of his fingers.

Kathryn reached up and took hold of his hand. "That was quite a speech, Commander," she said in a voice that was barely audible.

Chakotay smiled and quietly wiped away a tear that was slowly rolling down her cheek. Anger no longer in his face, his eyes soft and full of love for his Captain.

"I'm sorry, I didn't meant to sound like I was on a soap box, but I meant what I said and I'm glad I said it. I've thought it for sometime, so now if you want to put your First Officer in the brig for insubordination, I'll understand. I know you care for me, Kathryn." he continued, "You're just too stubborn to admit it, and use this ship as an excuse."

Kathryn looked at him, ignoring that 'stubborn' remark and gave him a soft, shy smile that made his heart melt.

"I can't respond to that, Chakotay. Maybe someday . . . maybe when we get home . . ." her voice trailed off, afraid to finish the sentence. "I really must go now and try to get some sleep."

As she turned to go Chakotay reached out and took her arm. "Before you go Kathryn, may I kiss you . . . just once?"

Kathryn looked at him, longing burning in every fiber of her body, but she shook her head no.

"Please Kathryn," he pleaded, "Just one kiss."

"No Chakotay, one would only lead to the desire for more. We can't . . . I can't."

"Please," he whispered, "Just one and I will savor that kiss in my heart for 60 years."

Kathryn hesitantly took one step towards him then abruptly stopped as if she had changed her mind. Chakotay quickly closed the distance between them, and slipping his arms around her waist pulled her close. Her arms suddenly came up and around his neck and slowly he bent his head until their lips gently joined in a sweet, long kiss. Time stopped for both of them as long suppressed desires burst forth and Chakotay tightened his arms around Kathryn, pulling her tight against him. He noticed her body trembling and felt her hand going into his hair and holding his head down. He became acutely aware his own body was now trembling as her soft full lips made no effort to pull away. Then, knowing it must end, he slowly lifted his mouth from hers and looked into those blue eyes, now brimming with tears.

Kathryn took a step back, bringing her hands down to his chest. "We can never let that happen again, Chakotay," she said, her voice husky and breaking with emotion. She then took another step back, sliding her hand down his arm until she was holding his hand. She then broke contact and walked towards the portal. Hesitating, she looked back at him, and smiling shyly asked, "May I use your program sometime? It will probably help me . . . in many ways."

Chakotay looked at the woman he so dearly loved. She had granted his request for one kiss. All he could do was nod.

They stood looking at each other, the silence saying more than words. Finally she whispered, "Just don't give up on me Chakotay. Maybe someday I . . . we . . ."

"I'll never give up on you Kathryn. I told you once that your angry warrior would always stand beside you and never leave you. That's more true today than it was then."

Kathryn smiled and though distance separated them, held up her hand with the palm facing him and fingers spread. Chakotay smiled, remembering the time on New Earth when they had clasped hands and entwined their fingers, and responded in kind with his hand.

Kathryn nodded then turned and walked through the portal, and as they hissed to a close, and although Chakotay knew she could no long hear him, he said again, "Regardless of what happens, I will never leave you, Kathryn. I will treasure that kiss and I will love you, beyond forever." Then his hand slowly and gently closed.

Finis

June 1998

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