Disclaimer: Paramount owns all characters and everything Trek. I'm just playing with them. The stories are all mine.

Endgame Parody

by Dee Price


Sometime in the future we see the Starship Voyager dipping and turning amidst a lot of explosions in the sky. Soon Phasers erupt from Voyager as Captain Janeway orders a Red Alert and retaliation against all those explosions.

"I don't have to put up with this," she growled. "We have withstood the Borg and now we are being shot at by our own people!"

"But Captain its just fireworks. They are celebrating our return," wailed Harry.

Janeway waved him off. "They should be grateful I didn't destroy their city," she grumped after the fireworks stopped.

Suddenly we see an old woman - well she is supposed to look old anyway - standing by a window. She says, "Computer, end display and switch to "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? No belay that turn on "Survivor!"

"Make up your mind, already, you're short-circuiting my chiperoonies!" grumped the computer.

Janeway waves her hand. "Look Majel you've been inside that computer for years now. I would think you could just follow orders by now, so stop ad libbing!"

Later that evening we see a crowd of people, but no one looks familiar. Suddenly a young girl runs through the group and stops in front of some old Captain.

"Who are you?" she asks.

"I'm Harry Kim, and who are you?"

"My name is Sabrina. I'm Naomi's daughter. If you're Harry Kim how come you are wearing Captain's pips?"

"Because I'm a Captain now."

"No you're not. Harry Kim was never promoted. He's still an Ensign!"

"No, honest. It's me Harry Kim and I got promoted," he said as tears started to well in his eyes

"You're lying. I'm going to tell my mommy!" She turned to run away as tears ran down Harry's cheeks.

"Still crying Harry?" asked that old woman we saw at the window earlier. "Won't you ever grow up?"

"Admiral Janeway!" he exclaimed. "Sabrina doesn't believe I'm a Captain."

"I find it hard to believe myself Harry."

"I'm sorry I missed the funeral Admiral," he said as he dries his eyes.

"What funeral?" she asks as she looks for her drink.

"Chakotay's funeral."

"Chakotay died? That's why he's been quieter than normal. I just thought he'd been written out of the scene again.

At that moment the EMH enters with a gorgeous blonde on his arm.

An old - really old and balding, Tom Paris approaches. What happened to his hair anyway? Oh that's right this is supposed to be about 26 years in the future. Poor Tom.

"Hi ya Doc. Aren't you going to introduce me to this lovely lady? Is she your sister?"

"No baldy," he harrumphed. "This is my wife!"

"Wife? Oh come on Doc. You are pulling my leg!"

"I'm not touching you hairless one and I think she made a great choice. Not only that, she isn't a hologram!"

Tom breaks up laughing. "Now I know you are kidding me."

"Joe has told me a lot about you Mr. Paris," said the blonde. "Are you still as grumpy as he says?"

Tom ignores the barb. "Joe? You call yourself Joe?"

"Certainly. I had to have a name when I got married!"

"But Joe? You could have called yourself Tom, Dick or Harry."

"Whose Dick? We didn't have a Dick on Voyager."

"I'm not touching that one," said Tom and walked away.

* * *

The next day Mr. Barclay is addressing his class, Borg 101, or Resistance is Futile if Janeway is around.

As the Admiral steps up to address these ignorant children, one young man stands up and asks her about Unimatrix O."

"Can't you read young man? I let myself be assimilated by the mighty Borg in part 1 and then kicked their ass in part 2!"

Another student stood, this a young lady who dared ask how Seven of Nine saved Voyager.

Janeway's nose flared, her face turned beet red and fire bellowed out of her mouth when she replied, "Don't ever mention Seven of Nine in my presence again or you will be scrubbing Manifolds with a toothbrush for the rest of your life!"

After the lecture we see the Admiral visiting Tuvok who is on his hands and knees keeping notes the old fashioned way: scribbling on paper with a pen!

Tuvok accuses Janeway of being an imposter. "Admiral Janeway visits on Sundays; Only On Sundays!" and he started humming.

"The song is called 'Never On Sunday', Tuvok. But I wanted to tell you that I am leaving. I'm going to muck around with history and time travel and I know I'll get a tremendous headache, but I want you to wish me luck."

Tuvok shook his head. "Only if you use the Reset Button. One can only survive using the button!"

"Alright already I'll use the button. Goodbye Tuvok."

Her next stop is a cemetery and she stands over Chakotay's grave. "I'm sorry I didn't know you had died Chakotay, but the writers just never seemed to give you any lines so when you were quiet I just assumed . . . Well, anyway I'm going to leave and I'm not telling you about what or where. You would only object and you know I will do things my own way."

* * *

A few days later Admiral Janeway appears on the Klingon home world. A half Klingon welcomes her and tells her she has arranged a meeting with Korath to see the Rift Technology.

"Fine Ensign I'll see my own way in."

"But"

"No buts. That's an order!" and she walks away leaving the Ensign a bit disturbed. After all the work she has done to arrange this, the Admiral doesn't even have the courtesy to include her. Now her parents Tom and B'Elanna will think she didn't have any Klingon blood to stand up to the Admiral.

"Hello Korath. What are you doing here? You were in Barge of the Dead."

"Ah, the writer's are using literary license. The proverbial reset button".

"Don't they always. Anyway, do you have what I want?" asks Janeway.

"You know I do. But you can't have it!"

"Why? Klingon's always talk about being so honorable."

"Because it's mine, all mine," he cried.

"Don't be such a baby," and she steals the technology by beaming it and herself up to her shuttle.

Korath hails her and screams, "You will pay for this deceit!"

"Hardly. I'm Admiral Janeway, the hero of Voyager," and commands Warp 6 and is soon out of sight of the crying Klingon.

A short time later a ship catches up with Janeway.

Harry's face appears. "This is Captain Harry Kim of the Rhode Island. Lower your shields Admiral and be prepared to be beamed aboard."

Janeway laughs.

"I'm serious Admiral," wails Harry.

"Sorry Harry I was just laughing at the name of your ship. Starfleet must be wimps now, not naming their ships Killer Bee, or Destroyer, or . . ."

"Admiral! I'm beaming on board. Lower your shields. The Doctor told me what you are going to do."

Janeway rolls her eyes. "If you must, but you know I will talk you into it just like I always do."

"I . . . I know," he cried and then beamed on board and helped his old Captain set the technology for her trip, acknowledging it will be a one way trip.

Janeway continues on her way but before she enables the rift two Klingon vessels suddenly appear and start firing on her.

"Damn," she says and calls for Harry Kim to come rescue her.

"Only if you call me Captain," he pouted.

So Janeway called him Captain Proton and Harry, smiling, started firing on the Klingon Vessels and Janeway enters the coordinates to open the rift.

* * *

Meanwhile, on Voyager, 26 years give or take in the past, B'Elanna is having labor pains. Or so she thought. After getting sleepy Tom, still with a full head of hair, awake, they go to the Sick Bay where the Doctor informs the disgusted parents-to-be, it is false labor.

"How can anything this painful be called false, you unfeeling, unknowing, ungrateful, full of nothing!" growled B'Elanna while Tom stood, eyes closed, head nodding and slowly going back to sleep.

A bit later Chakotay reports to Captain Janeway about the false alarm.

Janeway is incredulous. "What is wrong with that woman? Doesn't she even know how to give birth?"

"Well Harry has started a pool on the birth date, if you're interested."

"Good. Put me down for Friday at 2200 hours, and then inform the Doctor to get that baby out at that time so I win!"

Chakotay sighed. "You always have to win don't you Captain?

"Of course. I'm Captain Janeway, invincible to all!" She gave him the eagle eye as he stood there with a love struck expression on his face.

"Kathryn, Our relationship . . ."

"Kathryn? Relationship? When did that happen?"

"Well, supposedly on New Earth. At least it was implied."

"And you believed those writers? What a wuss you are," and she started laughing. "Despite everything I've done to you, you still follow me around like a puppy dog on a leash."

"Kathryn, it's because of our relationship . . ."

"Kathryn? Relationship? When did that happen?"

"We've had this conversation already!"

"Oh right. Let's do lunch."

"Screw you, I have other plans. You've pushed me away one time too many," and he smiled his puppy dog smile and walked out.

Next we see the wuss walking into the Cargo Bay and he is startled to see Seven laying out several items on the floor.

"That's the strangest Vision Quest I've ever seen. Leave it to the Borg!"

No Chakotay. This is a picnic for our third date."

"Date? We've been dating? Those damn writers! Where did this pairing come from?"

"You're surprised! I almost popped a nanoprobe, not to mention what it will do to those JCers!"

"Well I'm hungry, so let's eat."

"No wonder Janeway turned you down. Always thinking of your stomach," pouted Seven.

* * *

In the Mess Hall Icheb and Tuvok are playing Kal-toh, and Icheb wins, much to the dismay of Tuvok who stomps out and heads for Sick Bay.

"Doctor! I just lost at Kal-toh to that child Icheb. Quick give me a shot!"

"It's alright Mr. Tuvok. You are just going insane."

"Oh is that all? Then I shall return to my station."

Seven walks in and talks to the doctor about altering her implants.

The doctor stares at the two mounds erupting from her chest and cries out, "Why!"

"Look higher you nincompoop."

"Nincompoop?"

"A strange word that just seems to roll off my tongue. I need my ocular implant removed. I want to feel emotions. In my relationship with Chakotay, somebody has to feel something!"

An order from Janeway orders all Senior Officers to the Bridge. Seven reports she has a reading of a large amount of Neutrino Emissions and everyone turns and looks at Chakotay.

He looks at Seven. "I told you I shouldn't eat those beans!"

"I should have said in the Nebula, Captain. I was in error."

"That's a first," grumbles the Captain. "Anything in the Nebula?"

"Hundreds of wormholes and lots of Borg ships, but then we don't find that out until we enter the Nebula," she said with a smirk.

"What does it matter if there are Borg ships?" wails Harry. "This is Captain Janeway, the greatest Borg defeater of all time!"

"You got that right, crybaby. Let's do it Mr Paris," and Voyager enters the Nebula only to come eyeball to eyeball with a huge Borg ship, and as both she and Paris reflexively duck, Voyager turns tail and scoots back out.

Janeway stands up, defiant. "Now here this everyone! We did not run away from those Borg ships! You got that?"

"But Captain," said Harry. "It's only the Borg! They are such weenies!"

Tuvok interrupts this debate.

"Captain there is a rift forming and a ship is coming through."

Chakotay stands but Janeway pushes him back into his chair. "It's my line, just sit there quietly like you always do." Turning to Tuvok she asks what kind of ship.

"It's Federation!" he cries."

"Vulcan's don't cry Tuvok. Get a hold of yourself," said Janeway. "Let me see this, NOW!"

Lo and behold an Admiral appears and it is . . . no it can't be . . . yes it is . . . Admiral Janeway! But geez she's old, and the whole Bridge crew turns and looks at Captain Janeway to make sure the screen isn't Cinderella's mirror.

"Close that rift, Captain, and before you object as you always do when someone tells you to do something, take a look at these pips. I outrank you, you underling, so close the damn rift!"

The Captain reluctantly has it sealed and looks back at her older self. "Alright I did as you ordered, now tell me what is going on?"

The Admiral smiled sweetly. "I've come to bring Voyager home."

Meanwhile back in the Nebula, the Borg Queen watches on her big screen TV.

"Oh this is going to be fun. Two Janeway's!"

* * *

Admiral Janeway is beamed on board and stares at the Captain, then looks at Tuvok and Chakotay standing there with their mouths hanging open.

"How do I know you're me?" asks the Captain. "You don't look as old as you should if you are from 26 years in the future."

"Well let's let the gentlemen decide," said the Admiral and she stands beside the Captain. Tuvok and Chakotay continue to stand with their mouths open, not uttering a word or flicking an eyebrow.

The Admiral sighs. "As usual no lines. Alright, if they are 'silent sam's' lets go see the Doctor."

The Doctor runs a DNA on the Admiral and confirms it is Captain Janeway . . . well an older version anyway.

The Captain frowned. "Okay if you're me from the future and I'm me from the present, how can we . . . ?" Both the Admiral and the Captain place their hands on their foreheads and complain of having a headache.

After they both get a shot alleviating their headache the Captain asks why the Admiral is here interrupting her glorious adventure-filled seven-year journey.

"I've come to take Voyager home, otherwise it will take you sixteen more years and some very bad things will happen."

"Don't tell me we lose to the Borg!" pouts the Captain. "I rule those panty wastes."

"Forget the Borg. We are going back into that Nebula and take a worm hole back to the Alpha Quadrant."

"I don't think so honey. That Nebula is filled with Borg."

"I thought you said you rule them. Besides I'm bringing more advanced technology back that will allow Voyager to fly right by them. We will have some super-duper armor that makes us look like the Batmobile and some big boom torpedoes and they can't touch us!"

As the Captain frowns, we see Seven of Nine regenerating. Suddenly she is talking to the Borg Queen.

"I thought we killed you in Unimatrix O pt 2" said Seven.

The Queen smiles: a sweet, eerie, deadly smile.. "Oh that was Susanna Thompson and I'm here to take her place. Remember the people do not die."

"Oh yeah the reset button. So what do you want Queenie?"

"I just want to warn you to keep Voyager out of the Nebula. It's mine and if Voyager enters I will be forced to assimilate them."

"Oh yeah? Over my implants!"

"Those, too!"

* * *

Several hours later Voyager enters the 'swarming with Borg' Nebula and sails serenely along, oblivious to their weapons. Janeway - the Captain that is - orders the fancy torpedoes fired and two Borg cubes explode into a trillion itty bitty pieces and Janeway - the Admiral that is - does a 'I told you so' dance on the Bridge.

Voyager continues on until it enters the center of the Nebula and they see something that looks like some kids tinker toys.

"What the hell is that?" asks the Captain.

"Never mind," yells the Admiral. Take us in to the one on the left, Tom!"

"What left?" asks Paris. "It's just a mish mash."

"It's a Transwarp Hub," states Seven.

"Yippee. A way home," yells Harry.

"Oh no you don't," cries the Captain. "This is my ship. Take us out Mr. Paris."

"Take us in Mr. Paris," thunders the Admiral, and then coughs from the strain on her vocal cords. "Damn I haven't given orders like this for 20 some years," she rasps.

"I said take us out Mr. Paris," counters the Captain.

Paris sits there in a daze. Orders from one Janeway was bad enough, but two? In, Out, In, out. That was like . . . no I can't think like that. "Will you two broads make up your mind?"

"This is my ship and I am the Captain. I am ordering you to take us out Mr. Paris. NOW."

Tom, used to hearing the threatening 'NOW', turned the ship and headed out of the Nebula while the Admiral throws her hands up in disgust.

A few minutes later the two Janeway are walking down the corridor, while crewmen do a double take.

"You knew that was there. You are not telling me everything. I demand to know what's going on!" growled the Captain.

"And I though you were miss know-it-all," smirks the Admiral. Guess I don't know myself after all. All right here it is. Seven of Nine is going to die."

Janeway's eyes glaze over and she doesn't know whether to laugh or cry in relief, but recovers enough to frown.

The Admiral continues. "Three years from now she will die in the arms of her husband . . . Chakotay."

The Captains eyebrows shoot up and disappear into her hairline. "That bum! He deserts me after all these years? Not Seven of Nine. He hates the Borg and he has always lusted after me!"

"Well it's your fault miss smarty pants, you and your command structure," growled the Admiral. "You deprived me of . . . well enough of that. Anyway Chakotay will never be the same man and will die a lonely and broken man," said the Admiral.

* * *

Later in the Astrometrics Lab we see them studying the Tinker Toy Hub. Captain Janeway has come up with a plan to use the ka-boom torpedoes the Admiral brought from the future to destroy the Hub.

"It's dangerous but will put a huge crimp in the Borg's plans and we beat them again!" she crows.

The senior officers give Janeway - the Captain that is - three cheers.

Then Harry steps in and gives a speech about the journey being more important than the destination. Everyone looks at each other in confusion.

"Wait a minute you guys," says Tom. "I thought it was Tuvok who went insane."

The Admiral steps up to the plate. "Wait. There might be a way to have our cake and eat it too."

"There's cake? I didn't see any cake. How come I didn't get any cake?" asks Tuvok.

"It's Tuvok," chorused the group.

The Captain then asks the Admiral what her plan was.

"Well you ninny, I think it's obvious. You inject me with that miracle pathogen spray and I'll toodle over to Queenie and spread it to her, I will have destroyed the Borg once again and I still get Voyager home early."

"It's my ship and I get the credit," cries the Captain.

"Whatever," says the Admiral with a wave of her hand. "We're one and the same, except you sure look old for your age."

Next we see the Queen and the Admiral appears before her . . . or so we are led to believe. But the Queen still has some smarts and while letting Janeway tell her plan she discovers where the real Janeway is and transports her into the cube.

"Damn, I didn't expect that," grumbles the Admiral.

"I bet your didn't expect this either" and she injects the Admiral, who slowly, very slowly, starts turning into a Borg drone.

"Nyah, nyah, nyah," crowed the Queen." I won! I won! I assimilated Janeway!"

Her victory is short-lived, however, as she starts falling to pieces, and I mean pieces. First her arm and then her leg . . . get it . . . this has cost her an arm and a leg . . . oh pox on you where's your sense of humor.

On Voyager Seven announces that the Admiral has now infected the Queen with the Pathogen and the Borg shields are down, but that the Admiral has been assimilated.

As the crew groaned, the Captain said, "Oh quit feeling sorry for her. She said it was a one-way trip. Tom get us into that wormhole . . . NOW."

"Okay," he whimpers, but soon he shows excitement. "Captain, a Borg sphere has entered the wormhole and is gaining on us. What a race this is! I'll just turn on the Turbo Jets and make him eat my dust!"

Seven announces there is an escape route, but it would lead Voyager back into the Delta Quadrant.

"Whoo boy," yips the Captain "When Biller and Braga said the ending would be a surprise they really meant it!"

The Captain thinks a moment and then orders Tom to prepare to alter Course.

"But Captain," pouts Tom. "I want to race that sphere."

Meanwhile on Earth, Admiral Paris and Barclay see all the commotion and a wormhole opening into the Alpha Quadrant.

"Get all our ships in the area to that exit point, stat!"

The officers turn and look at the Admiral as he puts his hand over his mouth and smiles feebly.

"Whoops. Wrong show."

Before you know it there is an armada of Starfleet ships gathered at the wormhole. Well, at least 18 ships. And they are suddenly startled to see a Borg sphere come racing out, with Voyager nowhere in sight.

"Captain, I do believe the sphere has swallowed us," reported Tuvok.

"Well let's give them some dessert then, Tuvok," said Janeway.

KA-BOOM! And the Sphere explodes into a quadrillion teeny tiny bits and there comes the baby . . . uh Voyager flying out of it.

Admiral Paris looks exasperated. "Captain Janeway, the least you could have done is let US destroy the Sphere. The Federation has to win at something you know."

"Sorry Admiral. Next time we'll call ahead," smiles a victorious Janeway, who does a quick two-step to her throne . . . uh Captain's chair.

Just then a babies squall is heard over the intercom. Everyone on the Bridge smiles except Tom.

"Damn, now I'll be spending my time changing diapers instead of flying," he grumps.

"Get down there Tom," orders the Captain. "NOW." and Tom runs for his life off the Bridge, thanking God he wont have to hear that tone again for awhile.

The Captain turns to Chakotay.

"Mr Chakotay, take the helm."

"Mister Chakotay? Mister? I'll have you know I have rank. I'm a Commander and I insist you call me that."

"Do I have to confine you to quarters again Chakotay?"

"Well that's nothing new. Can't you at least be original?"

"Take the helm Chakotay!"

"Oh yeah right. Wait a minute. Who wrote this episode?"

"Why?"

"Because the writers always have me crashing the shuttles and now you want me to take the helm of this big ship!"

"This is the end, Chakotay. They wont crash Voyager now that we're almost home. That would really piss off the viewers."

"Right," he said with a big smile and starts walking to the helm and suddenly stops. "Hey! Where were my love scenes with Seven? You left out my love scenes! I'm supposed to have a really amorous kiss with that Borg," he says as he srews up his face in disgust and washes his mouth out with soap.

Janeway - the Captain that is: the Admiral is goners remember - sidles up to Chakotay and purrs, "You don't think I'm going to let that happen now, do you sweetums?"

Chakotay's eyes glaze over and Seven runs crying from the Bridge. "I want my mommy!"

"I always suspected she was a big baby," sneers the Captain

A victorious Janeway turns to Chakotay and squeezes his hand, pats his cheek, blows him a kiss and walks to her chair. Crossing her legs and with a triumphant look at a smiling, once again love sick puppy dog of Chakotay she says,

"Set a course - for home!"

The End

June 2001

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