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How Can I Not Love You

by Dee Price





This story line concerns a conversation between Janeway and Chakotay following their return to Voyager in the episode Resolutions after Tuvok returned to 'New Earth' to rescue them. Canon is blindsided in the alternate ending.



Chakotay strolled briskly down the corridor as he headed back to the Bridge. He had just left Engineering after helping B'Elanna solve a problem and up ahead he saw Kathryn moving toward him. His heart skipped a beat. He had been on Voyager for three years now and cared deeply for this woman. However he knew she couldn't return his affection. She was Captain and it is an unwritten rule that Starship Captains not get involved with any of their crew - he knew that well enough having been in Starfleet himself before resigning and joining the Maquis.

Kathryn waved to him and smiled as she started to turn down another corridor. He returned her smile and wave as he continued moving forward and when opposite that corridor stopped and watched her walk.

They had been rescued a short time back from New Earth after having been marooned there for about three months. She changed during that time and was Kathryn, relaxed, happy, smiling and comfortable. They became close and he knew in his heart that had Tuvok not come back for them she would have given in to her feelings. Especially after that night when she wanted to talk about protocols and he had given his Angry Warrior speech.

Suddenly as if she knew he was watching her she stopped, turned and stared back at him. Their eyes gazed deeply into the others and hundreds of people could have been nearby but their eyes held only each other. Suddenly, as if some wavelength had opened between their two minds, each knew what the other was thinking. Each could see the love and desperate longing each felt, and an empty sadness drifted over Kathryn's face. Chakotay felt weak and longed to rush to her and hold her in his arms. Suddenly Kathryn turned and continued on her way.

Chakotay stood silently until she turned a corner and didn't know whether to feel elated from that brief silent encounter, or sad, so shook his head and continued toward the Bridge.

* * * * *

That night, following the completion of duties and dinner, Chakotay was resting in his quarters. Suddenly there was a quiet rapping on his door and after rising and opening it he was surprised to see Kathryn.

"Kathryn! What a surprise. Come in."

"Hello Chakotay. I'm sorry to bother you but I felt we needed to talk."

He frowned. "About what? Is there something wrong?"

"Yes," she said quietly, "there is something wrong."

"What is it?"

She was quiet a moment and idly looked around his quarters until at last she was looking at him. "It's about this morning."

He remained silent, not knowing what she was going to say, but suspecting it was the protocol business again.

"This is difficult for me Chakotay, but this morning . . . well we each . . . there seemed to be some silent communication between us regarding feelings and I . . . well . . ." She stopped and threw up her hands and Chakotay didn't know whether it was disgust or her inability to say what she was thinking. She walked to his view port and after staring out at the racing stars for a moment turned.

"Chakotay on New Earth I became Kathryn. I no longer had a ship and you saw the personal me. I loved it there and if Tuvok hadn't returned . . . well, I'm sure things would have changed between us," and then she added with a half smile, "and not because you were the only man there, but because I do . . . and will continue to do so for the rest of my life . . . care for you. But we're back on Voyager and . . ." She stopped and sighed, started to say, "I love . . ." and then stopped herself and massaged her forehead while looking away for a moment. Chakotay remained silent, giving her the time to say what she wanted. Finally she continued.

"There are things a Captain can't do. You know that Chakotay, and as much as I want to, as deeply as I feel, I can't . . ."

Chakotay held up his hand to stop her. He knew she had virtually told him she loved him but couldn't actually say it because of her situation.

"Don't say anymore Kathryn. I know you are a Starship Captain and as such you are not allowed, per the manual, to become involved with any of your officers or crew. However, I think you know the heart is not governed by any manual or set of rules, Kathryn. It does what it feels."

She nodded her head while looking at him with a sad, mournful expression.

He looked at her with deep love in his brown eyes before lifting his arms momentarily and then letting them simply drop to his side.

"How can I not love you Kathryn?" His voice was so full of emotion as he said those words it took her breath away. "You are the woman I have searched for all my life. The minute I saw you on my viewscreen at the Caretaker's Array I knew you were my soulmate, and yet because of the rules, I can't touch you, I can't hold you and I can't kiss you. Hell, I can't even hold your hand.

"I know full well you can't do or say anything, or won't let yourself do anything because of your staunch Starfleet training and that pains me, because we might be marooned in this Delta Quadrant for the rest of our lives and I know you will stick to your protocols to the end. I understand your position, but . . ." He stopped and looked at her a moment and then sighed before continuing.

"I know I'm not supposed to fall in love with my Captain . . . but I have." Kathryn's lips started to tremble at that revelation but Chakotay said, "So what do I tell my heart Kathryn? How do I explain why I can't hold you in my arms or that we can't share any sweet, tender moments together or how we must be so brave and stoic and not say those special words? How do I explain the emptiness my heart will feel when you walk away and leave this room, because we must pretend there are no feelings? I understand why it can't be said, and in my heart I know deep down inside you care, but my heart cries out to you that no one will ever love you as much as I do."

He stopped suddenly and smiled a soft and sad half smile and added. "Well I guess you know now what I meant in my Angry Warrior speech," and noticed Kathryn slowly nod her head. "I won't say anymore and I won't pressure you on this matter or ever mention it in the future," and he hesitated and then with a slight smile added "but if anything happens to me in this journey I will personally know I have met my soulmate, and one who I love more than words can tell, but I will still feel incomplete."

They both stood silently when he finished, looking across the room at each other. Kathryn's lips visibly trembled now and she tightened them to stop it. Her eyes glistened with a moistness she desperately fought to hold back. She longed to rush to him and cry out that she loved him, oh so very, very much! But she stood still, trying to get herself under control and just looked at him. A single little tear started to break away and she quickly wiped it with her hand.

Finally in a very soft voice she said, "I can't say those words, but know this Chakotay," and her voice broke with emotion. "Your heart is not the only one feeling empty."

He gazed at her, hearing that break in her voice at the end, and knowing that was as close as Captain Janeway could come to admitting she felt as he did. He smiled. "Thank you Kathryn. Maybe someday . . ." he said with hope in his heart.

She smiled, nodded her head and then slowly moved past him. As she neared the door she looked back. "Maybe . . . but . . . in the meantime move on with your life, Chakotay" and she continued toward the door.

"I will wait for you, Kathryn," he said in a soft, caring voice.

As the door opened, she looked back and smiled. "I hope so," and turned and walked out.


Finis
May 2002


Alternate ending to How Can I Not Love You

As the door opened, she looked back and smiled. "I hope so," and turned and walked out.

The door started to close before Chakotay reacted and as the door hissed open again he stepped out in the corridor and stood silently watching her walk to her quarters, which was beside his.

Just before reaching her door she once again sensed he was looking at her and turned. Their eyes met and a myriad of emotion flooded Kathryn's face. Suddenly she started walking back to him, grabbed his arm and pulled him inside.

As his doors shut she stared at him briefly and then Chakotay suddenly found her arms around his neck and felt her soft lips pressing on his. He engulfed her in his arms and the kiss, at first tender, became full of passion.

At last Kathryn pulled back and bit her lip and then moaned, "Oh God Chakotay, why couldn't we have met in another circumstance?"

Chakotay, still keeping his arms tight around her and vowing silently to never let go, smiled and said, "The Spirits meant us to meet this way Kathryn. Our paths have been merging for quite a period of time."

She sighed. "What am I going to do?"

"It's your decision Kathryn. I've told you how I feel and that I will wait for you. The rest is up to you."

She stood looking at him and suddenly placed both hands on his cheeks. "I love you Chakotay. I fiercely love you. More than I loved any man before and though you and I might feel we can make this work . . . I just don't know."

"That's your Starfleet training answering, Kathryn. What does your heart say?"

"You know what my heart says," she answered softly. "It's the ship and getting home that should have my full concentration, and now, having admitted out loud I love you I am very torn on what's right." Suddenly she stepped back and rubbed her forehead.

"Oh God, what have I done? I've committed myself to you and yet the rules . . ."

"Kathryn you are a Starship Captain. You will fulfill those duties every day and every day I will obey any order you give, you know that. You won't hold back simply because you have fallen in love with your First Officer. Besides," he added with an impish smile, "It's only an unwritten rule and here in the Delta Quadrant we have been forced to 'adapt' shall we say. If we start a relationship, it is simply another thing to adapt to and you and I can handle it."

"Can we Chakotay? Will I send you out on a mission when it is life threatening?"

"Yes."

"Yes? You are that sure?"

"I have never been more certain of anything in my life. I know you Kathryn, as a person and as a Captain. You are more than capable of handling both situations in a professional manner."

Suddenly she smiled. "I can, can't I," she said in a statement not a question as she moved back to him.

"Yes you can."

Then her one hand slipped up onto the back of his head and Chakotay felt a pressure pulling his head down until once again their lips met.

At last they parted and Kathryn said, "I love you Chakotay, and this better work or I'll kill you before we get home."

Chakotay laughed. "Are you saying we are a couple, Kathryn or should I just watch my back so you won't have anything to explain to Starfleet?"

She smiled. "Officially?"

"Yes."

"Officially we are not a couple, but when we are off duty," she said with a leering tone, "I wouldn't mind some nocturnal visits to my quarters," and that said she headed for the door and left.

Chakotay stood there a moment, digesting what had happened. Kathryn had told him she loved him and had said they were the same as a couple. Suddenly he smiled and walked out of his room and to Kathryn's door, where he rapped lightly.

When she opened it he smiled and said, "It's nocturnal time."


Finis
May 2002
Edited June 2006

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