Disclaimer: You all know the drill. No infringement intended, just using the characters to write a story.

Kathryn's Silent Regret

by Dee Price


It was December 22nd and the Banquet Hall was festively decorated with a large Christmas tree in the far corner, the lights twinkling and reflecting off the red and silver balls that hung from the branches. The room itself was resplendent with decorations, with garland strung diagonally across the room from one corner to another, and all with various decorations hanging loosely from the strands. The walls were festooned with gay Christmas wishes, their glitter sparkling as they gently waved from the circulating air and fans that would hopefully keep the room at an even temperature during the evening. 'Merry Christmas and Happy New Year', 'Merry Christmas' and just plain 'Noel' were some of the signs that would catch the eye of anyone entering.

Across the front of the hall, and over the stage area, was a huge sign of multi colored words on a white background saying, "Merry Christmas to all of Voyager's crew." To add to the mood of the holiday, a band was on the stage softly playing Christmas music, which gently drifted across the cavernous and still empty room.

During the summer Tom and B'Elanna decided the crew needed a get-together and had approached Starfleet about using their Hall. After Starfleet agreed, B'Elanna decided it would be a Christmas party and Tom set about to find all the current addresses of the crew.

Once that endeavor was well underway, B'Elanna set the date and wrote invitations. Some invitations, to those members quite far away or on missions, had been sent out immediately to give those individuals time to set that day aside. Both Tom and B'Elanna were ecstatic when, almost without exception, positive responses were received. Even Captain, now Admiral Janeway, had said she wouldn't miss it.

At last the day arrived and B'Elanna and Tom arrived at the Hall early. B'Elanna was a virtual basket case trying to check everything and make sure all went well.

"Relax B'Elanna!" Tom had tried to say, only to receive a withering Klingon glare. He just grinned and looked up. B'Elanna, following his glance, frowned. It was mistletoe!

"Tom, people don't need mistletoe to find an excuse to kiss someone! Most of us haven't seen each other for five years!"

"But it's tradition, B'Elanna!" he said pouting. She just threw her hands up and walked away.

As the appointed time of 2000 hours arrived, the crew began to slowly filter in, until the room was a bedlam of voices, yells of greeting and music. Despite the fact the band was playing Christmas music, B'Elanna wasn't sure who was trying to outdo who, the band or the people, as it was getting louder by the minute.

Suddenly she saw Admiral Janeway enter the room and hurried to greet her. After a quick hug B'Elanna said, "I am so glad you could make it."

Janeway smiled and responded, even as her eyes scanned the crowd, "You know I wouldn't miss a gathering such as this B'Elanna! It seems impossible Voyager has been back for five years now."

"I know! The time has really flown by."

"How many negative responses did you get?" Janeway asked as she continued to look around. A shadow of disappointment seemed to flick across her face as she turned her attention back to B'Elanna.

"Very few actually and those are on deep space missions and couldn't arrange the time. Of course there are those who also died, which is a shame. They battle their way across the damn Delta Quadrant and then die a few years after they get home."

"But at least they knew they were home," said Janeway compassionately. "Well I guess I should mingle and say hello to everyone."

"The food and the snacks are on the far wall, Cap . . . sorry, I mean Admiral." Then B'Elanna smiled. "This may not be very nice, but you'll always be Captain to me."

Kathryn smiled and patted her on the shoulder. "Somehow, around these people, I still feel like Captain Janeway," and she then walked off and headed for the refreshments.

A few moments later Chakotay entered and he and B'Elanna engaged in a long, tight hug.

"How have you been B'Elanna," he said with a big smile.

"Fine, Chakotay. And you?" she asked, wondering if he would tell the truth.

"I'm fine," he said as he glanced around the room. Then he stopped scanning as he saw Kathryn across the room talking to Ayala. He stared at her for a long time and then suddenly realized B'Elanna was talking to him and looked at her.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

B'Elanna just grinned. "It wasn't important. I just asked what you've been up to."

"Not much to tell you the truth," he said with a smile.

At that moment Tom bounded up to Chakotay and after an enthusiastic greeting turned to the latest people walking in. Just then Chakotay heard:

"Commander! How are you?"

He turned. It was the EMH and with a broad smile on his face.

"I'm fine Doctor. I see you haven't changed," he said with a tinge of sarcasm.

"That's because I'm a hologram, you know that!"

"I was just joking, Doctor. I'm glad Starfleet saw fit to keep your program online." As he said that he looked over the Doctor's shoulder and spotted Kathryn, still across the room. She was facing his way and he realized with a start that she was looking at him. As he returned her gaze, their eyes immediately locked.

Chakotay stood there musing to himself about how beautiful she was but finally had the good sense to nod his head to her and smile. She started to return the smile when someone approached her and they started talking. Chakotay decided to mingle and work his way in her direction.

A short time later B'Elanna went up on stage and as the crowd slowly quieted she stood smiling. At last the room was silent.

"I want to welcome you to our first – and I hope not our last – reunion. I'm so glad so many of you could make it tonight, even though we set the date near Christmas. So technically it is not only a reunion but a Christmas party." She chuckled. "And all the presents you brought for me can be placed right up here." The crowd laughed.

B'Elanna motioned to Janeway to come on stage and as she did the crowd broke out in enthusiastic applause. She smiled broadly and held up her hands for quiet.

"Thank you for that welcome, but I am ecstatic to see so many of you again. I can't believe it has actually been five years since we arrived back at Earth. It seems a much faster five years than those seven years in the Delta Quadrant." The crowd agreed.

"But I want to thank Tom and B'Elanna for arranging this wonderful party and I assure you, it is my intention to speak to each one of you," she said as her eyes caught sight of Chakotay near the fringe of the crowd.

Chakotay stood mesmerized by her beauty. He knew from seven years on Voyager that she was a beautiful woman but now, back on Earth and the trauma of trying to get Voyager home no longer a factor, she was relaxed and seemed even more beautiful, and he continued to take in her countenance. Suddenly he realized she was staring right at him on her last words of speaking to everyone and he gave a small smile.

Following the speeches the band started playing again and B'Elanna grabbed his arm.

"Dance with me Chakotay. And don't tell me you can't dance, as I know different."

Chakotay grinned. "If you don't mind me stepping on your toes why should I?" and they moved out on the dance floor. As they slowly moved around Chakotay once again scanned all the heads until he saw Kathryn. She was dancing with the doctor so he tried to steer B'Elanna in that direction, wondering if he could actually tell her the truth, when suddenly Admiral Paris cut in on the doctor.

Disappointment flooded through him. He certainly couldn't cut in on an Admiral, so he gamely finished the dance with B'Elanna.

The evening progressed, with everyone seemingly having a wonderful time. Try as they might each time Kathryn or Chakotay made an effort to reach the other, someone would always step in and occupy their time. They continued to lock eyes with one another off and on, even during conversations with other people, and Chakotay was by now quite sure that Kathryn really did want to talk to him.

However the time continued to move until it was almost midnight and gradually a few people began to gather up their belongings and leave, with shouts of goodbye to various individuals.

Chakotay realized he should leave too so he could catch the three a.m. Shuttle back to Dorvan and looked around for Kathryn. She was nowhere to be seen! Frantically he moved around the room, scanning each face, back and every nook and cranny. At last he spotted her standing out on the balcony and quickly moved in that direction and through the doors.

"Hello Kathryn," he said softly.

She spun around, startled by his stealthy approach.

"Chakotay! I didn't hear you come out here."

"Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. I've tried all night to get to talk to you. Merry Christmas."

She smiled broadly. "Merry Christmas to you too! Yes, I tried all night too."

"It seems we are destined to be kept apart," said Chakotay with a smile and then he could have bit off his tongue at the hurt expression that flooded her face.

"It seems so," she said as she looked away.

"It's wonderful to see you – and all the crew," he added.

"I know. It's been wonderful having a chat with everyone. I have missed seeing them," she said wistfully.

"I'm glad to see they finally made you an Admiral," he said with a grin.

She shrugged her shoulders. "Yes, about two years ago, but I sometimes feel uncomfortable with it."

"Why is that?"

"Well for one thing, did I really earn it? Jean Luc Picard is still a Captain for heaven's sake!"

"By his choice," said Chakotay.

"I know, but . . ." and she trailed off, not finishing the sentence.

Chakotay suddenly grinned. "But you would much rather be Captain of a Starship than sitting at a desk as a stuffy Admiral?"

She smiled and merely nodded her head.

Chakotay studied her a moment. She was on edge about something and seemed very ill at ease with him: in fact quite nervous, as if not knowing what to say.

Both were quiet for a long moment and then Chakotay, knowing Kathryn as he did, asked, "What's wrong, Kathryn – besides being unhappy over being an Admiral?"

She glanced back at him. "Nothing is wrong. What do you mean?"

"You know full well that I know you better than anyone else. I can tell something is bothering you. Care to talk about it with your former First Officer?"

She shook her head and didn't reply.

"I don't understand you, Kathryn."

She looked surprised and then snapped, "What do you mean by that?"

"Why can't you tell me what is the matter?"

"I just don't care to discuss it," she said with a tinge of sarcasm.

"With me or just in general," he persisted, but now in a frustrated tone.

"That's enough Chakotay!" she said as if giving an order. "Let it drop. Let's not argue. It's Christmas."

"I'm not pushing Kathryn, and I'm certainly not arguing," he said compassionately. "I just don't know why you can't or won't talk to me. You can fight all the aliens including the Borg, even go into the Borg hive and not bat an eye, but you can't tell me what is bothering you! Sometimes – sometimes your silence is maddening."

"That's enough! I have to live the rest of my life with my regret of being silent, Chakotay!" she snapped angrily.

Chakotay felt confused. This was a reunion and Christmas party and as such they should have been joyous to see one another instead of having this sharp, irritated conversation. Why did she sound like she was upset at him he wondered? Despite this, his voice rose in corresponding anger, and totally not understanding why they were starting to have an argument, said, "What the hell does that mean, Kathryn!"

"It means I love you and can't have you!" she responded sharply.

Instantly, the realization of what she said froze both of them, and Kathryn's hands flew to her face as she stared horror-stricken at a stunned Chakotay.

Kathryn suddenly whirled and almost ran back into and through the ballroom and out the doors, where she walked away at a fast clip toward her shuttle, quite aware of the strange looks people were giving her.

Chakotay stood stock still, Kathryn's words thundering in his mind. Galvanized to action at last, he ran across the ballroom, looking for Kathryn. Seeing B'Elanna, he called to her.

"Where did Kathryn go?"

"She left. What the hell happened? If I didn't know better I'd say she was on the verge of tears!"

Chakotay raced outside and looked frantically in each direction. Spotting her he ran as fast as he could after her.

"Kathryn! Wait!" he yelled, but she didn't slow down or even break stride.

At last he raced up to her, took hold of her arm and quickly stepped in front, effectively stopping her.

They stood looking at one another a moment. Chakotay saw she was still mortified over what she had said and gently pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her. Kathryn, at first stiffened, and then relaxed, and just let him hold her as she buried her face in his shoulder and fought desperately to hold back the tears that, after all these years, threatened to burst forth.

Finally Chakotay pulled back and looked into her blue eyes, glistening with wetness and as she started to open her mouth to speak he placed a finger on her mouth.

"Don't you dare say you are sorry for saying that," he said softly.

"I shouldn't have said it then. How about that?" she said quietly.

"No, not even that, Kathryn," he said as he again held her close.

Kathryn loved the feel of his arms around her and slowly slid her arms around his back and laid her head on his shoulder.

"I have made a complete mess of things," she said softly. Then raising her head she looked around. "We can't stand here like this. We are making a spectacle of ourselves."

Chakotay frowned. He certainly didn't want to embarrass Kathryn and this obviously wasn't the time or place to have a serious discussion. He looked at her, the corner of his mouth curling slightly.

"Do you still drink coffee?"

For the first time she smiled. "You know I will never give up coffee, Chakotay."

"Well my Transport doesn't leave until three a.m. How about we find a nice quiet place and have some coffee and just talk?"

"I know of a nice quiet coffee shop, but it's a little outside the city," she said as she suddenly shivered from the cold air.

"Then let's take your shuttle and go there. I would really like to talk to you. I haven't seen you for five years and after seeing you every day for seven years it was quite a shock to my everyday routine."

Kathryn smiled as she indicated her shuttle a short ways away. "I know. I had two missions after we were home and it felt very strange not to have you in the Commander's chair."

~<>~

They flew for quite a while and finally Kathryn started to settle the shuttle down in a parking lot.

"You really meant it when you said it was outside the city," said Chakotay with a smile. "How did you find this place?"

"Oh one night I just wanted some peace and quiet to think about things and, instead of walking, I just flew around for awhile until I spotted this place," she said as she opened the hatch and stepped out.

As they entered, the music box was playing the song God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.

The waitress smiled as they walked in. "Merry Christmas, Kathryn. You're booth is open in the back."

"Merry Christmas to you too, Mary. Thank you," and she led Chakotay to a quiet corner. Mary followed.

"Strong black coffee?" she asked with a smile.

"Yes please. Oh, and Mary, this is Commander Chakotay, my former First Officer on Voyager."

"Oh yeah," she said as she looked him up and down, "I remember the name and I've seen your face in the news." She continued to openly admire him, making Chakotay suddenly blush, before she asked, "What will you have, Commander? Coffee?"

"No I would like some tea. Green tea if you have it."

"Coming up," she said as she started to turn. Looking at Kathryn she rolled her eyes.

"You have extremely strong will power, Kathryn," said Mary in a low voice. "That or you are just plain crazy," and with that she left to get the order.

Kathryn hung her head down, hoping Chakotay wouldn't see her blushing.

"It sounds like you come here often," said Chakotay.

"I do. Once I found this place – well it is just so comfortable and they don't bother you. They just let you sit as long as you want, which I did, staring out this window and thinking."

Chakotay wondered once again what it was that was bothering Kathryn Was it her outburst at the hall and what she said, or something else, he wondered? He wanted desperately to ask her about that, but decided just 'chit-chat' and catching up on the last five years was best – for right now anyway.

They sat and talked for a few minutes, about mundane unimportant stuff: like the cold weather and why she didn't like being an Admiral. Chakotay kept asking questions, steering the conversation on getting caught up on all the latest news. Finally he could no longer delay his question.

"Kathryn, care to tell me what's bothering you?" he asked softly.

She lowered her head and shook it slowly from side to side and was quiet for a very long time as she turned her coffee cup around and around.

Finally she looked up and Chakotay was shocked at the distraught look on her face. He reached out and took hold of her hand.

"What is it Kathryn? You know you can tell me," he said.

"I already did, that I have to live the rest of my life with regret for my silence," she whispered.

"I'm not following you," he said with a frown as he released her hand and rubbed his forehead. "Regret for what silence."

"Chakotay, you know what I'm talking about," she said in a sharp tone, and then immediately took hold of his hand as she shook her head. "I'm sorry. It's a sore subject with me. I guess I'm just a poor loser."

"Loser? I guess I'm dense on your thought patterns after five years away. Please explain."

Kathryn turned her head and stared out the window for some time. Chakotay, patient as ever, sat silently and waited while she sorted out what or how she was going to tell him her problem.

At last she looked at him and a small smile tugged at the corner or her mouth. "Despite my appearance, I was personally devastated when you took up with Seven."

"I'm sorry, Kathryn," Chakotay said in a quiet voice.

"On New Earth you made it pretty plain how you felt with that beautiful Angry Warrior speech, and I guess I just assumed you would wait until we got home. I was Captain of the ship and my first priority was to get it and the crew home and I thought you understood that."

"I did Kathryn. I really did."

"Then why . . ." she stopped and looked away for a moment. "Anyway," she continued, "I didn't do anything over those years and that's what I meant by regretting my silence. I just keep telling myself that if I had at least let you know I cared, then maybe you would have waited, but I didn't and you didn't."

She took a deep breath and slowly exhaled as she once again looked out the window. She was afraid to look at Chakotay now, after telling him that.

Chakotay, too, remained silent. He was totally shocked by Kathryn's statement. Finally he muttered, "I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"Of course you didn't. I didn't say anything!"

"But I couldn't even 'read' it in your tone or actions, Kathryn. I guess I didn't know you as well as I thought I did. There was the time, however, when you got ready to enter the Borg hive and knowing you were going to be assimilated and yet not sure if the doctor's shot would really prevent it, you reached out and took my hand. That was my low point on Voyager, because I was very afraid you really would be assimilated."

Kathryn smiled. "To tell you the truth I was afraid myself. That's why I kept looking at you as I walked off the Bridge. I wanted to embed your face in my memory. But as to my silence, well I guess I really pulled it off. My outer façade fooled you completely, and I have kicked myself for remaining silent ever since."

Chakotay swallowed and nodded but didn't reply.

Suddenly Kathryn looked at him. "Speaking of Seven I just suddenly realized she wasn't there tonight. I had even steeled myself to see her. Is she on a mission?"

Suddenly it dawned on Chakotay that Kathryn didn't know! "Seven is . . ."

Kathryn interrupted by saying. "She really changed after the doctor removed that emotion nodule, didn't she?"

"Kathryn, Seven is not . . ."

She interrupted again, as if she was almost afraid of letting Chakotay talk about Seven. "I have to admit I was actually jealous of her after I found out about you two."

"Kathryn, please listen to me," he said sternly. As Kathryn abruptly stopped talking and looked at him, he reached out and took her hand.

"Seven and I aren't together. She left about three months after we returned to Earth."

Kathryn looked shocked. "Oh no! Chakotay I'm so sorry!"

He smiled. "Well you tried to warn me. You told me she was just a child and really not ready for any romantic relationship, but I didn't listen, or didn't want to because I thought I could change her. But she really was a child in a woman's body and, as you stated, not ready for any kind of relationship. About a month following Voyager's return she once again took on the Borg cold and aloof persona.

"Oh Chakotay. I'm so sorry. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Seven made me promise I wouldn't tell you or anyone for a year after she left. I guess she figured that would give her time to get away and not have you try to talk her out of leaving me," he said with a slight smile.

"Where is she now?"

Chakotay shrugged and was silent for a few moments. Finally he said, " Do you remember Axum?"

"From Unimatrix O?"

"Yes. Anyway he sent a subspace message that he was free of the Borg and now on a planet deep in the Alpha Quadrant, and asked her to join him. It was relayed from Starship to Starship until it finally reached Starfleet and they passed on the message." Chakotay hesitated a moment and then added, "Almost as soon as she read that message she started packing her things."

"So she's gone to find him?"

"Yep. Starfleet thought so much of her they gave her a shuttle with all the new engines. I don't know how long it took her to get to his coordinates, but I'm sure they have been together now for sometime. Actually Axum would know how to handle her, being a former Borg himself, so it worked out for the best. I took her to the shuttle and wished her well, but all I received was the usual Borg cold and aloof attitude." He gave Kathryn a rueful smile. "I didn't even get so much as a I'm sorry."

Kathryn squeezed his hand and then quickly withdrew hers. She didn't quite know what to say to Chakotay after hearing that, and picked up her coffee. Upon taking a sip she made a face. It was cold. She glanced at his cup as she signaled Mary for another cup.

"Do you want more tea, Commander?" asked Mary as she picked up Kathryn's cup.

"No thanks. One is enough."

After Mary walked away Kathryn's mind became a whirlwind of silent, jumbled thoughts, not only about his news but also that of trying to figure out what to say. Chakotay had virtually bared his soul to her about losing Seven and despite his calm voice she knew this man and therefore knew there had been pain in his heart.

She fidgeted with her hands a moment and then looking up smiled slightly and asked, "What about you Chakotay? Where have you been and what have you been doing for five years?"

"Oh I was lazy for a while, then I signed on with a freighter based out of Dorvan that delivered supplies to various Outposts. I did that for two years then quit and built a home on Dorvan. That took a year as I did everything myself."

Kathryn smiled. "You always were very competent with your hands. What about your love of archeology? You didn't want to explore it or teach?"

"I just never got into it." Then he chuckled softly. "Too troubled about how I can't hang onto any woman, I guess." Kathryn smiled but didn't reply.

Again there was a momentary awkward silence, so Kathryn picked up her cup and slowly sipped at her coffee, making a pleased face as she inhaled its vapors, causing Chakotay to laugh.

"You know Kathryn, every time I see you drinking so much coffee I always think 'one more cup and she's going to start perking', but you don't. You virtually immerse yourself into that coffee." He then looked at his chronometer. "It's almost time to leave for Earth Station. Would you mind dropping me off there and then notifying Starfleet where their loaned shuttle is?"

A wave of disappointment flashed across her face. She had begun to feel he might stay around now, and then quickly smiled as she regained her stoic expression. "Of course I will," and she took one last sip of coffee and stood.

As they walked outside Chakotay suddenly exclaimed, "It's snowing Kathryn!"

"It can't be, not in San Francisco," she said as she looked up and received a snowflake right on her cheek. She looked at Chakotay and laughed. He was standing with his face turned to the sky and his tongue out, trying to catch snowflakes on it.

She immediately tried it herself, turning around and darting her tongue out as she tried to catch specific flakes that lazily floated down.

Chakotay laughed as he watched her. She looked like a little girl and he could also see she was definitely more relaxed now.

"Just stand still Kathryn," he said. "Let the flakes come to you," and he demonstrated, catching two in a row.

At last they walked to Kathryn's shuttle, both still laughing. Suddenly Chakotay bent down and scooping a handful of snow tossed it gently into her face.

"Chakotay, that's not nice!" she said as she bent over and did the same to him and then turned and ran for the shuttle.

Chakotay caught up with her as she tried to quickly open the hatch, and not very gentlemanly, put a large handful of snow down her back. Kathryn screamed at the icy cold, wet feeling as the snow slid down her back.

"Damn you," she said laughing as she climbed into the shuttle. "This is Christmas and you shouldn't do that to an Admiral!"

Chakotay quickly followed, and as he sat down beside her, grinned and said "Merry Christmas Admiral," as she fired up the engine and lifted off.

She grinned. "Merry Christmas to you too, but I'll get you for that."

Both remained silent all the way to the Transporter Hub. Each was thinking about the other and not knowing quite what to say, so neither spoke. Kathryn parked in the Transporter's parking lot and turning her head looked at Chakotay. She had a very sad expression on her face.

"I hope we can remain in touch and that it won't be another five hears," she said in an emotion-filled voice.

Chakotay impulsively leaned over and putting his arm around her shoulders pulled hr to him and kissed her right on the lips. As he pulled back he just silently stared at her face.

Her eyes were still closed and she had a soft smile. Then opening them said, "It felt just like I imagined it would, your lips on mine." Her voice took on a husky tone as she said it and Chakotay again kissed her, this time with a little more passion. As his lips released from hers, they looked at each other a moment and then both rose.

In complete silence they stepped out of the shuttle and headed to the Transporter room. Upon reaching the area, Chakotay asked her to beam with him to the station. After materializing he placed his arm around her shoulder as they walked to the ticket office, and then Chakotay stopped, turned Kathryn to face him and wrapping both arms around her, once again kissed her.

As their lips parted he whispered fervently, "Come with me Kathryn."

Kathryn's heart was beating rapidly, but her officer persona kicked in as her eyes opened and she responded with, "I can't Chakotay. I have responsibilities!"

"You said yourself you didn't like being an Admiral."

"But I can't quit Starfleet just like that!"

Chakotay dropped his arms and looked at her. "Still the Starfleeter," he said quietly and with obvious disappointment in his expression.

It took Kathryn only a second to make her decision. Her silence had cost her a chance at happiness once before so she moved in close, put her arms around his neck and pulling his head down, kissed him with extreme passion.

As she pulled her head back she whispered, "No, I'm not Chakotay. Not this time."

Chakotay smiled. "You mean you will come with me? Oh Kathryn, this is the happiest and best Christmas ever!" and he hugged her tightly. Finally he looked at her. "You can contact Starfleet tomorrow from Dorvan, you know."

"I know and yes I will come with you right now. I'm sure I can work something out with Starfleet, but meanwhile, I refuse to let you walk out of my life a second time. I've had enough regret for my previous silence to last a life time, but no more."

Chakotay grinned happily as he handed his voucher to the ticket taker and said, "Add one more ticket to that – one way."

He then turned to Kathryn and smiled. "Merry Christmas, Kathryn"

Kathryn smiled and said "Merry Christmas my love. And you are right. This is the best Christmas ever."

Chakotay wrapped his arms around her and they stood in this embrace for several minutes, both hearts beating rapidly and both of their faces showing extreme happiness and contentment

As the boarding call came, Kathryn leaned her head back and looking into Chakotay's brown eyes, now brimming with love, said, "And something else, Chakotay. No parameters this time – of any kind!"

FINIS

August 2002

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