Disclaimer: Paramount owns Trek (sigh) I'm just borrowing the characters for my story.

Moment Of Truth

by Dee Price


"Chakotay, help me," said Kathryn's weak voice.

Chakotay, lying on the couch in his quarters and browsing through some reports, bolted upright. "Kathryn?"

"Chakotay, please," came Kathryn's voice, pain etched in every word. "I need your help."

"Where are you?"

"Planet," was the weak reply.

Chakotay slapped his Com Badge. "Transporter room, get a lock on the Captain and transport me to those coordinates immediately," he shouted.

A moment later he materialized on the planet and wildly looked around.

"Here," came the cry from some nearby bushes.

Chakotay rushed over and almost passed out at what he saw. Kathryn lay there in the darkened area, her face bruised and bloody, her clothes ripped and torn off her, and she was obviously in great pain.

"Oh my God, Kathryn!" he said as he knelt at her side. As he took hold of her outstretched hand he smashed viciously at his badge with the other. "Transporter room - two to beam to Sick Bay and hurry!"

Even as they materialized on the floor of Sick Bay Chakotay started activating the EMH. Lifting Kathryn he carried her to a bio bed as the Doctor hurried over.

"What happened, Commander?" he asked a deep frown on his face.

"Forget specifics, Doctor," he snapped, "We can find that out later, treat her!"

Bending over the Captain the Doctor looked at the bruises and cuts on her face, but Kathryn shook her head. "I was assaulted Doctor, I was . . . raped . . . brutally," then with the pain convulsing her body she groaned loudly.

Chakotay felt a searing pain go through his heart and he squeezed her hand. The Doctor moved to the end of the bed and swung up some footpads, looked at Chakotay and asked him for some privacy.

"No, Chakotay, please stay with me," she said holding tightly to his hand.

He nodded his head and told the Doctor, "I'm staying right here and I'll keep my back to you, but for God's sake hurry, she's in great pain!"

As the Doctor started his exam Kathryn screamed in pain at his first touch, and dug so hard into Chakotay's hand with hers she drew blood.

The Doctor quickly went to his supplies and brought a tray to the bedside. "I'm going to deaden the lower area, Captain. It appears that's the only way I will be able to conduct this exam," and immediately placed a Hypo spray at her left buttock.

Kathryn started to feel relief from the pain almost immediately and looked up at Chakotay. His face showed a composite of concern, compassion and raw anger.

"Thank you for coming so quickly, Chakotay," she whispered. "And please stay with me through all this, regardless of what the Doctor says."

"You know I will, Kathryn," he answered softly as he gently stroked her hair with his free hand.

Kathryn gave a slight jerk and groaned. "Sorry, Captain," said the Doctor. "It appears I must completely anesthetize you inside. I've never seen anything like this, you are almost completely torn up inside! There is tearing of the tissue everywhere, bleeding, massive contusions and abrasions . . . what did he use on you?"

"Only himself, Doctor," answered Kathryn as she steadily looked at Chakotay and saw horror fill his eyes.

"Hmmm," said the Doctor as he reached for a Hypo spray and proceeded to spray the inside of her Vagina, effectively deadening all sensation for a while. For the next thirty-five minutes he used almost every instrument on his medical tray, with constant use of the Dermal Regenerator, medical cleansing swabs and more spray, as Kathryn would periodically flinch with more pain.

Chakotay sat there quietly holding Kathryn's hand as she endured the treatment, but inside he was boiling with rage. At last the Doctor stood and moved to Kathryn's bedside opposite Chakotay.

"I've done all I can, Captain, but I must warn you, despite my repairs you are going to experience pain and discomfort for about two weeks, and that is not even mentioning the mental trauma you will be going through. That man must have been like a crazed animal!"

"Bastard!" exploded Chakotay. "How can anyone do that to a woman?" he spat as his anger began to come out.

"It's hard to understand, Commander, especially for me as I have no feelings. I imagine it is quite discomforting to you." Then looking down at the Captain, he continued with, "Pain deadening Hypo sprays are going to be needed quite often I'm afraid, and I will also inject you with an anti-inflammatory and anti-infection agents, but I must ask Captain, what happened?"

Kathryn looked at Chakotay and squeezed his hand, and then looking at the Doctor said, "I decided to beam down to the planet for some fresh air and a little walk. Chakotay wanted to go with me, saying it was a strange planet and there might be danger, but I went alone. While walking through this delightful park a man approached, smiled as he went by and I didn't think anything about it. I didn't have any feeling of danger.

"Suddenly I was grabbed from behind and dragged into the bushes where he started ripping my clothes off. I struggled as best I could, but I wasn't any match for his strength. I even screamed a couple of times but he stuck my t-shirt in my mouth to stop that. He hurt me so bad I think I passed out for a while because when I came to he was gone.

"I then started looking for my Com Badge and it seemed forever as I crawled around on my hands and knees while battling the pain, but it was probably only about five minutes. Once I found it the first thing I did was to call Chakotay. He immediately beamed down and brought me here. The rest you know." Then turning and looking at Chakotay she added, "This is one time my stubbornness got me in trouble."

"Hush," said Chakotay gently, "That's not important right now." Looking up at the Doctor he asked, "Does she have to stay here or can I take her back to her own quarters?"

"She may go back to her own quarters, Commander, but she is not to report for duty for at least two weeks, if that." Nodding to Chakotay to follow he walked into his office. "I must warn you Commander, physically she will heal, but mentally . . . well that's going to take a long time to get over, if she ever does. Knowing the history of attacks like this, she will be distrustful of men, all men, and as Captain of this ship that might present a problem. In addition she will have nightmares, and . . . well I don't think I have to draw a picture."

Chakotay nodded. "I understand Doctor, but the fact she called to me for help means she trusts me and I'll take care of her."

"I didn't doubt you would, Commander, I just wanted to impress on you it's going to be a long and difficult road, despite the fact she has an iron will."

The two then walked back to her bed. Kathryn looked at them and said, "Now tell me Doctor, after all I'm the one involved."

The Doctor patiently explained the problems and trauma she would be experiencing and injected her again with the pain anesthesia hypo spray, plus the anti-infection and anti-inflammatory agents. After attempting to sit up and realizing she couldn't, Chakotay carefully picked her up and they beamed to her quarters.

He placed her gently on the edge of the bed and then hesitated. Kathryn smiled. "After what you saw on the planet and in Sick Bay, no need to be shy now, Chakotay. I need your help to get these so-called remaining clothes off and into my nightgown."

Slowly and tenderly he helped remove her clothes and into her nightgown, then gently lay her down, his heart lurching at her every moan. Turning he got a chair and started to pull it up to her bedside.

"No Chakotay lay with me please. I need you to hold me. . . . I need to feel your strength and protection," she said softly.

Startled he looked at her, and seeing the pleading anguish in her eyes, nodded his head and taking off his boots, lay down beside her. With effort and a few groans despite the anesthesia, she managed to get on her side and lay her head on his shoulder. As he put his arm around her, she stretched one arm across his chest and squeezed, as if holding on for dear life to this man who now, in her mind, was her savior.

Eventually Kathryn fell asleep but as Chakotay lay there his mind was a chaotic jumble of thoughts. He was angry, boiling with rage and vengeance at the man who had done this to his beloved Kathryn and knew without a doubt and despite his peaceful nature, if he had happened upon that scene he would have killed that man. At the same time he was laying in bed with Kathryn, which fact both pleased and excited him, but he knew he would never touch her, never betray the trust she was showing in him. His entire focus would be to help her through this trauma in any way he could, in anything she asked that would help her. Her trust in him was his gratification. Suddenly she moaned and he tightened his arm around her, whispering he was there and she was all right.

Twice during the night Chakotay had to administer another hypo to relieve the pain and each time as he again lay down beside her she would immediately grab on to him and hold tight.

At 0600 hours Kathryn opened her eyes and looked at Chakotay, who was lying there staring at the ceiling. "Good morning, Chakotay, I guess I managed to doze off," she said in the quiet of the room.

He turned his head to her and smiled. "Good morning, to you, too. How do you feel? Do you need another hypo?"

"It's getting there I'm afraid, but not for a bit. Did you sleep?"

"I'm fine," he said "How about a cup of coffee, in the meantime?"

"Now that sounds good," she said with a smile, and lifted her head to free his arm. He moaned softly as he walked across the room and rubbed furiously at his arm. Returning with two cups of coffee he set them on the dresser and helped prop Kathryn to a nearly sitting position, his heart breaking at her continued moans with every move.

As she finally got comfortable and leaned back against the headboard, she smiled and said, "I think your arm is the only part of you that went to sleep last night."

H grinned then shook his head. "I told you I'm fine." He moved into position beside her and they sat quietly sipping their coffee.

"Thank you for staying with me last night, Chakotay. I was afraid of being alone."

"It's understandable, Kathryn," he said. He then smiled and added, "I was glad to help, even if you did put my arm to sleep. I keep feeling I'm going to drop this cup any minute I have so many pins and needles."

They chuckled quietly and Kathryn glanced down at his uniform. "I'm afraid I made a mess of your uniform."

Chakotay looked down at all the wrinkles and smiled. "I can get a fresh one before reporting for duty." Then turning and looking at her he hesitated.

"What? You were going to say something else," she asked.

"Never mind. It's not very appropriate at this particular time," he said.

"Tell me, please," she said placing a hand on his arm.

He looked at her and a mischievous twinkle appeared in his eyes. "I was just going to say I could go to work looking like this and if anybody asked I could just say I slept with the Captain."

Kathryn looked at him for a second and Chakotay was beginning to silently berate his sense of humor and wished he had bit his tongue, when she started laughing. "Oh Chakotay," she said, "You always manage even in the direst of times, to lighten the mood and make me laugh. That's why I love you so."

At the word love Chakotay's heart jumped, but he knew she didn't mean it that way. "Sometimes laughter heals better than words," was all he could think to answer. After finishing the coffee, he administered another pain-deadening hypo and helped to back to a prone position.

When he left to go clean up and report to duty he could see the fear flash in Kathryn's eyes. He tried to reassure her he would be only seconds away if she needed him, but knew it wouldn't dissuade the fear she felt. After arriving on the Bridge he told the crew the Captain was sick and under Doctor's orders to stay in her quarters for a few days, and all, even Tom, seemed to accept it.

Halfway through the morning, however, he got a call from Janeway, her voice showing obvious distress, to come to her quarters and after turning command over to Tuvok he left immediately, actually running on some of the empty corridors. When he entered her quarters he found her curled up on the bed, hugging her knees to her chest, emitting gasping sobs and obviously frightened. He moved quickly to her as she held out her arms to him and he held her tight, reassuring her he was there and she was all right.

After a few minutes her panic subsided somewhat and she told Chakotay her fear of being alone just kept building inside her, and that every noise on the ship frightened her even though she knew she was safe. After getting her some coffee, he sat and talked soothingly to her for several minutes, but seeing the fear remain deep in her eyes, made a decision.

Tapping his Com Badge he asked Tuvok and then the Doctor to come to the Captain's quarters and when Tuvok arrived, despite being an old and trusted friend, the Captain pulled back and reached for Chakotay's hand. Chakotay and the Doctor then told Tuvok of the Captain's savage assault and subsequent distrust of men and fear of being alone.

"Then I suggest you remain with the Captain, Commander," said Tuvok. "She obviously has complete trust in you and it appears you will have to be the one to see her through this trauma." The Doctor quickly agreed.

Kathryn looked at Tuvok and slowly smiled, "I'm sorry for my reaction when you walked in, Tuvok. I certainly meant nothing against you personally."

"No offense taken, Captain, I understand. You have gone through a terrible ordeal and any woman would feel as you." After a short discussion, it was decided the Bridge crew should be told of the attack, Chakotay would remain to care for the Captain, coming to the Bridge briefly two or three times a day, and Tuvok would be in charge for an unspecified time. He would also report both mornings and evenings to keep them both up-to-date.

Chakotay's biggest discomfort came, however, when he had to assist Kathryn into the bathtub despite Kathryn's saying he needn't be embarrassed, to just think of himself as a Doctor doing his job.

"Easy for you to say," he had muttered as he lowered her into the water, which made both of them laugh afterwards. Later in the afternoon he helped her take a few, albeit painful, steps around her quarters and arranged for the corridor outside her quarters to be kept clear so she could start walking there whenever she was able.

That night Kathryn again had Chakotay lay beside her, and despite Kathryn's saying he should put on his nightwear, that it would be all right, he brought some civilian clothes and wore those, saying it would be best.

The next three mornings when Kathryn awakened she noted Chakotay was awake and just staring out her view-port window or at the ceiling. On this third morning as he rose to get her coffee she managed to sit up on the edge of the bed with only a small moan and stared at him.

"I really appreciate what you are doing Chakotay, I know this isn't easy on you."

"I'm fine, Kathryn, don't worry about me. I just want you to get well, not just physically, but mentally as well."

"I will with your help, but you're not sleeping, as well as it being discomforting to you lying beside me."

"Discomforting?"

"Well last night at one point when I laid my leg over your thigh, I felt . . . well, let's just say you were at attention."

Chakotay turned beet red and he looked down at the floor, unable to face her. "I'm sorry," he mumbled, "I can't control that . . . I uh . . . let's just say I was being a good First Officer," he quickly added with a smile.

Kathryn giggled. "Well anyway I'm certainly not making it easy for you, hanging on you all night, especially as you care."

Startled by that statement, he looked up at her and if possible blushed even more. Kathryn placed her hand on his arm and said, "I've known since New Earth, Chakotay, you know that, and you have been a perfect gentleman all these years, that's why I trust you so much in taking care of me, but I realized last night it is terribly difficult for you. Maybe I should try sleeping alone tonight."

"Whenever you feel ready for that Kathryn, and you know I am just next door."

"Then I will try it alone tonight, and you can get some much needed sleep."

That night at 0200 hours Chakotay was awakened by his Console's constant chirping, indicating a communication. Staggering over to it he turned it on and saw Kathryn's anguish-filled face. "What is it? Is something wrong?" he asked noting a tear lying on her cheek.

"I just had a nightmare and you weren't beside me...I needed to see your face and talk to you for a few minutes so I can calm down. I'm sorry I woke you"

"That's okay. How are you feeling now? Do you want me to come over?"

"No, just talk to me for a few minutes."

"Okay," he said as he yawned and rubbed at his hair.

Kathryn laughed at that sight. "See you did it again, made me laugh. I feel better just seeing your face."

He grinned sheepishly and they spent the next thirty minutes in casual conversation and banter, before Kathryn said she was all right. However, at 0530 hours the same thing happened and after signing off he decided to stay up, shower, and go to her quarters and have breakfast with her, then report to the Bridge for a few minutes.

The healing progressed nicely during the next week, but at night the nightmares becoming constant and taking their toll, some almost putting her into hysteria and then the resultant calls to Chakotay. One night she was so hysterical he rushed into her room and she ran to him, grabbing on tight.

"It's all right, Kathryn. I'm here," he said in a soothing voice.

"I was so scared! I was sure he was right here in the room," and she sobbed. "I'm sorry I don't mean to cry. I don't know why but I just can't control it," and she started sobbing louder.

"It's okay," Kathryn. "Go ahead and cry. Get it all out; don't try to bottle it up."

"But I'm safe here, why do I want to cry. I'm a Captain! I'm supposed to be strong!"

"It doesn't matter what you are Kathryn. You have been . . . attacked and . . . "



" Raped, Chakotay. Say it like it is. I was raped," and she started sobbing even more.

"Yes, you've been raped Kathryn - brutally and viciously raped. I can't even pretend to know what you're going through, but I know it must be the most horrible thing to happen to a woman; to be violated against your will, it - I can't even comprehend it."

"I tried so hard to fight but he was so strong. I tried to scream and I tried to find my Com badge, but he just hit me and shoved my tee shirt into my mouth and then got even more violent. He was like an animal! Oh Chakotay it hurt so badly," and then the damn burst and she started sobbing uncontrollably. Chakotay held her tight and kept rubbing her back and her head.

"I'm sorry I can't stop crying," she blubbered.

"It's okay Kathryn. You have a right to cry."

"Just don't leave me Chakotay. You're the only man I trust!"

"I will never leave you Kathryn, you know that. Now let's go lie down and see if you can get some decent sleep with me right beside you. He spent the remainder of the night just holding her tight.

The same scene happened several nights in a row and Chakotay had such a feeling of helplessness, and yet when he held her she seemed to calm down. He also realized the nightmares had become worse once he had begun sleeping in his own quarters. While lying next to her if she had a nightmare she would grab hold of him, but with him present she calmed down sooner. Gradually the calls diminished from several a night to just once, which made both of them feel she might be getting better.

However, one night seemed especially bad and once she calmed down he stayed and they just talked. She had again apologized for waking him up but as he yawned and said it was alright it made her giggle.

"Do you know why I trust you Chakotay?" she asked with a timid smile.

"Haven't a clue," he said with a grin, "unless it's because I'm your First Officer and you're afraid I might take over being Captain."

She laughed at that, the first time Chakotay had heard her really laugh since the attack.

He grinned at her and then in a serious tone said, "No I don't know why you trust me, Kathryn. I'm a man and it was a man who brutally assaulted you, but I'm very glad you do. I just can't understand why a man would attack a woman in such a way."

"Because it's not your way, it's not your tribe's way. You respect women, Chakotay and that's why I trust you. You're a man and I know you care for me, but I trust you implicitly. It's not in your nature to take advantage of a woman. You didn't on New Earth when I would have had no one to turn to and I know you won't here on Voyager."

"I'm glad you trust me Kathryn. Now," and he yawned, "Let's lie down and get some sleep". As he lay there he made some decisions on methods that might help to heal her. It was time to get her out of the room.

It took two days, but Chakotay finally convinced Kathryn that she had to face the crew sooner or later, and that they should do a few short outings. She knew he was right and reluctantly agreed. He then took Kathryn to the Mess Hall for Dinner and although uncomfortable and feeling that the crew was staring at her, tried to be strong and go through with this venture. She was trembling most of time and knew Chakotay could see it, but she knew it was part of her healing process and she wasn't going to let Chakotay down. Somehow she made it through the evening and was happy with Chakotay's praise.

A few days later, when orbiting a planet for supplies and repairs, Chakotay and the Doctor convinced her to beam down for some sunshine and fresh air, but she clung so tightly to Chakotay's arm he had to have the Doctor treat his bruises. Still she had gone through with it and Chakotay knew she was fighting desperately to control her fear. Every time a man approached she would stiffen and step partially behind him.

At the start of the third week, with Chakotay at her side, she reported to the Bridge and was warmly greeted by everyone. Being back on duty helped Kathryn immensely, but at night the nightmares continued. More than a few times Chakotay would be called and spent the rest of the night with her, but eventually the calls diminished. Chakotay knew, even when the calls stopped, that she was still experiencing flashbacks and was applying her stubborn determination to defeat those nightmares.

Two months went by and Kathryn seemed to be her old self, but suddenly late one night Chakotay got a call. As he walked into her room he saw her standing at the View port. Turning at his entrance she came over to him and stood close, silently looked into his eyes for a few moments, and then placing her hands on his shoulders said quietly, "Make love to me, Chakotay."

His eyes widened in shock. "Kathryn?"

"I need to know if I can ever let a man touch me again, to ever let a man love me," she whispered.

"Kathryn, I'm sure you . . . "

"Please, Chakotay, I need to know this and you are the only man I trust. I want you to do this for me," and she slipped her arms around his neck and lifted her lips to his.

Without being aware he even made a move he was suddenly kissing her and felt currents of electricity coursing through his body. Pulling his head back he looked deep into her eyes.

"Kathryn, are you sure about this? If it causes you more nightmares or I hurt you . . . I'll never forgive myself."

"I'm sure, and I am physically healed so don't be concerned with that," she said as she kissed him again. "It's the mental thought 'Can I ever allow a man to love me' that I have to know." Turning she walked to the bed, reached behind her neck to undo a tie, and as her nightgown fell to the floor she turned and faced Chakotay. "Please." she said.

His sharp intake of breath at the beauty of her body seemed to echo throughout the room. Slowly, as if in a trance, he walked over to her and as he stopped and stood looking at her she took hold of his top, pulled it over his head and dropped it to the floor. Then placing her hands in the elastic of his pajamas she pulled them down.

Turning she lay on the bed and looked up at him. Chakotay, feeling this was a dream, stepped to the bed, lay down and looked at her for a moment. Slowly, tentatively, he reached out his hand and cupped her breast, and as she softly moaned he bent his head and kissed the rising nipple.

Suddenly his love for her rose to the surface and he started kissing her lips, face, neck, breasts and stomach. Kathryn responded immediately and their passion grew with each succeeding kiss. Then came the moment, and after he positioned himself, he gently and carefully started to enter her.

Kathryn unexpectedly thrust up at him, completing the penetration and they both moaned softly at the overwhelming feeling of ecstasy that enveloped them. Quickly they became lost in their feelings, completely forgetting this was, in essence, 'a trial'. The resulting simultaneous orgasm left both of them exhausted and as Chakotay started to move off Kathryn she held him down and whispered, "Not yet."

Chakotay managed to put most of his weight on his forearms and looked closely at her. They had made love, glorious love as far as he was concerned, but what was she thinking, how was she going to react now? She lay motionless with her eyes closed and then slowly a smile played at her lips.

Opening her eyes she said quietly, "I'm all right Chakotay and there wasn't any pain. In fact it was glorious and wonderful, and I know I can let a man love me now, thanks to you. You have been my salvation during this trauma and now have helped me in a way you can't possibly imagine."

Chakotay nodded, and despite suddenly feeling like he had been used as a guinea pig, smiled and said, "I'm glad, Kathryn", then rose, dressed and started walking across the floor, feeling confused, angry and even resentful at what she had just had him do. His dream of both of them being deeply in love and making passionate love for the first time was gone.

"Goodnight Kathryn, see you in the morning," he said softly.

"Chakotay?"

"Yes?" he said as he turned. Kathryn was now standing in the middle of the room, her body still a sheen of perspiration from their lovemaking, and holding a hand out to him. He walked back and saw she was smiling.

Slipping her arms around his neck she said simply, "It's time for my moment of truth."

"I don't understand," he said with a frown.

"Maybe you will understand this," and she kissed him deeply. Pulling back she looked at him and quietly added, "I love you Chakotay. Ever since New Earth I have known I loved you and it grew so much during your care for me. But I had to know if I could let a man, specifically you . . . "

She hesitated briefly, took a deep breath then said, "The truth is Chakotay, I didn't want you to know I loved you if I couldn't let you touch me, if I couldn't let you make love to me. And I didn't know whether you would even want to touch me in light of what happened and I want and need your love so badly. I just had to know this before confessing my love for you. I'm sorry for the way I did this . . . there was probably a better way . . . I don't know, but I just hope you understand."

Chakotay, who had stood thunderstruck by what he was hearing wrapped his arms tightly around her and kissed her with great reverence. "Oh Kathryn, I love you so much," he whispered. "Why would you even think I couldn't touch you?" After a few minutes he suddenly picked her up and moved back to the bed saying, "If you thought before was wonderful . . . now that I know you love me I'll show you how wonderful and glorious it really can be!"

Later as they both lay spent but totally exhilarated Kathryn suddenly turned serious and said, "This presents a big problem, Chakotay."

"Now why did I know you were going to say that?" he said grinning as he rose up on his elbow. Then with a thoughtful yet serious expression he said, "I'll go along with whatever you decide, Kathryn. Just knowing you love me and we have had this night will last me until we get back to the Alpha Quadrant if you feel that would be proper."

Kathryn smiled and kissed him. After further discussion they decided it would be best to remain Captain and Commander, but also 'best friends' for the rest of their journey. "With just a slip now and then," inserted Chakotay with a laugh, to which Kathryn smirked and said 'maybe.'

The next morning Chakotay was at Harry's console in deep discussion when Kathryn walked onto the Bridge.

"Captain on the Bridge," said Tuvok.

"As you were," said the Captain as she walked down to her chair. Then with a big smile, her face looking radiant, she said good morning to Tuvok, Tom and Harry. The crew all smiled. The Captain seemed to have turned the corner and looked very happy!

Then as Chakotay walked down to his chair, she gave him a smile and said "Good morning, Chakotay."

"Good morning, Captain," said Chakotay with a big smile. "You look fresh this morning, have a good night?"

"A wonderful night, thank you," she said and then with an even bigger smile, added, "I think all my problems are now resolved. Turning to Tom, she asked "What's our status, Tom?"

"One-quarter Impulse and headed for the Alpha Quadrant, Captain," was his smiling reply.

"Well I feel a little reckless this morning. Let's bump it up to Warp six."

"Aye Captain, Warp six and course is laid in."

"Do it," and she sat staring straight ahead with a happy, contented smile on her face.

The End

1998
Edited June 2006

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