Disclaimer: Paramount, Viacom, etc own all Trek. No infringement is intended. I'm just borrowing some of the characters for my story.

Please Forgive Me

by Dee Price


She walked slowly across the cemetery. Her head was held high, her stride resolute despite her elderly appearance.

This was Kathryn Janeway, now Admiral Janeway of Starfleet. She held a reputation of some note: that of being Captain of the Starship Voyager, which had been lost in the Delta Quadrant. Technically she should never have made it back to Earth in her lifetime, as her ship and crew were stranded 70,000 light years from Earth. Whether luck or fate, the intrepid Captain and her crew made it back in seven years and they were all hailed as heroes.

It was now 23 years later and she had continued her role with Starfleet, eventually rising to the rank of Admiral. Her small frame belied her age and to see her from a distance you would not know she was in her 70's. Up close, however, her eyes were tinged with sadness and if you looked deep into those blue eyes, you also saw a world of regret.

She continued across the cemetery and at last stopped facing an upright headstone. She looked at it for a long moment, embracing the name carved into the pink marble. It simply read Chakotay and had no dates or any other writing.

Slowly she knelt down and reaching out gently caressed the name. Her eyes glistened with tears she had no intention of trying to stop.

"Oh Chakotay," she whispered as she held her hand against his name. "How I have missed you. I loved you so much, so very much, but I just couldn't tell you while we were on Voyager. I hope you have forgiven me. I hated myself, but it was something I felt I just had to do."

She laid her forehead on the top of the stone and silent tears started to roll down her cheeks until those tears became heart-wrenching sobs that she couldn't stop, didn't want to stop. The words "I love you so, I miss you so much. Please forgive me," were forced out between sobs.

Eventually her crying stopped and as she wiped at her tears she smiled at the headstone. "Not very Admiral like to cry like this is it? Knowing you though, you would tell me some Indian saying like 'crying cleanses the soul' or something like that." She wiped at the tears again and slowly sank down onto the soft, lush green grass.

She again reached out and tenderly ran her fingers along each letter of his name and finally pulled back. Closing her eyes she wrapped her arms around herself and slowly rocked back and forth as tears again spilled down her cheeks.

"I lost us so much time together. I was so foolish . . . so selfish, sweetheart. Can you please forgive me?" she whispered in a husky, broken voice.

"You know I forgive you."

Kathryn looked around but seeing no one felt her mind was playing tricks on her, so she gathered her thoughts and continued.

"When we finally reached Earth I was so shocked when you told me you and Seven were leaving the ship together. I hadn't a clue. You never seemed to give her a second glance. In fact you hated the Borg so much it never occurred to me that something might develop between the two of you."

A small smile tugged at the corner of her mouth. "I had even started to let myself think that when we reached Earth . . . well, that's unimportant now, but my fate holds true. The only men I have ever loved, I lost . . . my father, Jason and yes, even Mark. But to lose you, the man I loved more than anything in the world . . ." Her voice trailed off as she again began to sob hard, heart-rendering sobs . . . sobs that came from so deep inside it felt like she would tear apart.

"Why are you crying, Kathryn?"

Her head snapped up and as she looked around the cemetery she wildly wiped at her tears. But she could see no one.

"Here I am, my love," came the voice again. "Here . . . right in front of you."

She looked back and saw the visage of Chakotay in the headstone. His name showed through his chest, giving the scene a surreal appearance.

"Chakotay," she gasped.

He smiled, the smile that was indelibly imprinted in her brain. She reached out but felt only the stone.

"I can't feel you."

"Is that so important?"

"Yes," she whispered. "I want to feel you, to feel close to you. She stopped and looked at him. "I have missed you so much Chakotay," she said softly.

He again smiled, "And I have missed you, my Kathryn" and then he frowned as she wiped more tears away. "You haven't answered my question. Why are you crying?"

"Because through my selfishness we lost so many years, so much time we could have been together. Please forgive me."

"You know I forgave you many years ago, and besides we did have a few years together."

She nodded, but her eyes glistened with more tears. "Not as many as we could have . . . and I can't help but think of when we reached Earth . . . I was so hurt . . . so shocked . . . I never anticipated anything like that and for awhile I thought you might have done it to purposefully hurt me, because in reality I caused you to do that."

"You know better than that. I would never hurt you." He paused a moment. "Why do you keep torturing yourself with thoughts of Seven. You know it didn't last long and that I just felt sorry for her She needed someone to help her adjust to Earth, and in actuality I was just befriending her. Besides, Kathryn, I've told you that many times"

For the first time she really smiled. "Yes I know. But I didn't know for five years . . . five years when I was miserable." Kathryn looked down at the grass before looking back at him.

"Somehow I always thought you'd try to contact me and then suddenly you appeared at my door five years later . . . and from that moment on my life was a jewel, filled with happiness with you." She paused as she again felt the sting of tears and took a deep breath before continuing.

"Until last year, and then my world fell apart You took ill and it was that virus we contacted on New Earth, which despite the Vidiian cure reappeared, and Starfleet Doctors could do nothing to save you. I was devastated, you know. Maybe I didn't show it too much, trying to be the strong woman for you, but I didn't want to live."

Tears again spilled down her cheeks. "I lost us so much time together when we were on Voyager," came the choking words. "I was so selfish, sweetheart. Can you please forgive me?" she whispered in a husky, broken voice.

"There is nothing to forgive. You gave your heart to me that day when I appeared at your door and became my wife. That made me the happiest man in the world and we had the following eighteen years together. So be strong Kathryn. We will soon be together again . . . this time for eternity.

She nodded and placing her arm on top of the headstone said, "I feel so tired."

"Then rest my beloved."

Smiling, she closed her eyes, her heart rate slowed and then stopped, while her one hand slowly relaxed to a half open position.

She opened her eyes and found herself looking down at her body lying on Chakotay's grave.

"Don't worry Kathryn. Some children will find you very quickly."

Kathryn turned and looked at Chakotay. "Did I . . . ?"

"Yes, you are here with me now," he said as he reached his hands to her.

She smiled as she took hold of his hands. "That's why you came. To help me take that final step."

He smiled as he said, "That's what a good First Officer is for. Besides, that's what I told you on New Earth, that I would always be here to help you," and he slipped his arm around her waist.

She took one last look down at the grave and then slipping her arm around his waist, they turned and walked together through the fleecy, white clouds, together again . . . for eternity.

Finis

Mar 2001

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