Disclaimer: Paramount owns all things Trek. The characters are just borrowed for the story. Also thanks to Delta Story for allowing me the use of some of the words on a short "Remembering JC" movie she made. Only the tense and a few words have been altered.

Regrets . . .

by Dee Price


The words stared out impassively from the Padd as Chakotay read them. His heart started to pound, his throat became dry and he felt a strange tingling over his body. Although unsigned, this letter had to be from Kathryn. There just wasn't any doubt in his mind, and a kaleidoscope of images raced through his mind as he once again read the words:

"Once upon a time, all it took was a look or a smile
Our togetherness seemed bright with light and laughter.
It lifted our spirits and morale, and no matter where we were in time or place,
It almost seemed we were a soul team . . .
We were always friends . . . and almost lovers.
Once a pastoral setting summoned hidden feelings,
Unwrapped secret desires and tapped lonely souls
And two almost became as one . . . as we created that long lost paradise,
Hoping to continue it forever.

But Eden was lost and laughter became our solace
And stolen moments our salvation,
While friendly touches hid deep feelings,
And flirtatious smiles filled voids.
Sometimes thoughts became dreams . . .
And sometimes those dreams became prisons.
Longing desires remained smoldering . . .
But the mission quelled passions,
And words became surrogate caresses . . .
Leaving us only the exquisite pain of separation . . .
And yet bonding us in its unbreakable chains, forever . . ."

A cleared throat made Chakotay look up. The messenger stood there, nervously shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

"I'm supposed to wait for a reply, sir," said the young lad.

Chakotay's eyes opened wide. He was supposed to answer this in just a few moments! "I'm expected to answer this . . . now," he asked?

The young messenger nodded his head. "Those were my orders, sir."

"Well, it's going to take awhile."

The messenger nodded, added a vocal "Yes sir, I understand," and walked to a tree, leaned against its trunk and slowly sank to the ground, while Chakotay turned and entered his cabin.

He sat and just stared at the message. Why? Why had she done this? It had taken him five years to almost get Kathryn out of his mind and now out of the blue, this message! Chakotay leaned back and sighed. How and with what words could he possibly answer? He felt confused and taking a deep breath, slowly expelled the contents of his lungs.

Finally he picked up a spare Padd he had and wrote:

"Images and memories are forever stored in the mind,
A compact kaleidoscope that grows dearer with each passing day.
Even so, passing time fades memories, the image not as sharp as once in the past,
Making lost times, smiles, looks and touches painful to remember . . .
And making the loss of Eden and paradise even more difficult to bring up from the recesses of the mind . . .
Causing confusion and frowns . . .
Until one remembers friendships last forever."

Rising he walked outside and the moment he stepped out on the porch the young lad quickly rose to his feet and approached. Chakotay handed the Padd to him and with a nod the young man turned and quickly headed back towards town.

Three days later there was a rapping on Chakotay's door and upon opening it saw the same young messenger. He smiled and handed a Padd to Chakotay. As Chakotay took it he looked at the lad.

"I suppose you want an immediate answer again?"

The lad smiled, nodded his head and said, "I'll wait in the shade of the tree like last time, sir."

Chakotay shut the door and after sitting down in his chair, hesitated to look at the Padd. He noticed his heart rate had again speeded up and his hands were shaking. He glanced over at the other Padd received three days ago, and which he had read over and over. Finally he swallowed, tapped the button, and brought up the message. It was short.

"The passage of time can sometimes create illusions, but . . .
Memories only fade when they no longer have meaning.
However, the pain of "loss" increases in acuity when passion . . . and regret . . . remain,
Which by themselves, can also cause confusion and frowns,
Until one remembers Eden, which can never be lost."

Chakotay started shaking. Suddenly he stood and hurled the Padd violently against the far wall.

"Damn you Kathryn!" he yelled. "Why are you doing this to me? Are you playing mind games with me again? That's your forte as I remember! Do you like torturing me this way? Is this all fun and games to you?"

He walked to the back door and stared for a long time at the forest looming nearby. Then he paced, fussed and fumed, alternately cursing and damning Kathryn, and yet pleased, in a perverse way, at having heard from her again.

Finally he calmed down and striding to the Padd, picked it up off the floor. Slowly he reread the words. She seemed to be telling him she cared, that she regretted not loving him or not telling him she loved him, but what did that mean? "Just words, that's all they are," he said quietly. Remembering the messenger was waiting for a message he walked to his console and picked up an empty Padd. After composing his thoughts he wrote:

"Illusions can be distorted because there is no face, no voice . . .
Passion and regret remain because of unfulfilled actions,
And become a dream encased in a prison without bars.
No face, no touch, no voice lead to a loneliness which
One cannot imagine if you have not been there
To at least once, experience those sensations . . .
Without that experience, bitterness remains."

After handing the Padd to the boy, who immediately headed off to town, Chakotay felt disconcerted all day. He sat by the creek that ran behind his cabin, watching the fish cavort and swim. Sometimes he let his feet dangle in the bitterly cold water. As the excruciating pain of the cold water coursed through his body, he found this pain actually made him feel better. At least his feet were suffering the same as he was!

Three days went by, then seven, and then ten and no answer. He began to be irritated, then angry. She had done it to him again! Played with his feelings, getting him worked up again, filling his mind with memories of her eyes, her hair, her smile. He remembered the way she stood on the bridge, the anger snapping from her eyes and voice when not pleased with something, or the tender, compassionate voice when sad, and the tears she tried desperately to hide from the crew, but let him see. Maybe he had offended her with his last reply . . . no, she was just getting her 'jollies'. Probably hadn't gotten an assignment with Starfleet and decided to bug him!

Chakotay, now quite angry and upset, walked out of the cabin and headed for town. Enroute he passed the time talking with friends, waved and smiled to others passing by. He stopped at the Coffee Shop and had a cup of coffee, amused at the thought of his drinking Kathryn's favorite beverage. At last he entered the General Store and bought some needed supplies, then headed for home. It was getting near dinnertime.

Upon entering his cabin he stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes wide in shock as he openly stared, his mouth slightly open.

Finally, regaining his composure, he said, "Hi."

"Hi," was the simple response.

"This is a surprise. I certainly didn't expect to see you."

"Obviously," was the reply, accompanied by a throaty, husky laugh.

"I'm sorry - it's just that seeing you . . . well, I have to admit it shocked me."

"You better put those groceries down then before you drop them."

Chakotay hurried to the kitchen and placed the bag on the counter. Turning he looked back and smiled.

"When did you arrive? Sorry I wasn't here, but I . . ."

"Actually I was glad you weren't here when I arrived. I'm quite nervous about seeing you again. How long has it been anyway, Chakotay?"

He looked at her. She was obviously nervous but he also felt she knew exactly how long it had been since they had last seen one another. "Five years and three months," he said dryly.

She nodded her head and looked around. "Nice cabin. I would have known it was yours the minute I stepped inside. It has your touch, your spirit."

"Thank you. It serves my purpose." He looked at her again and smiled. "Well, what can I do for you . . . Kathryn?"

She looked at him and gave a small, shy smile. "I think my messages answer that."

"No, they really didn't, Kathryn," answered Chakotay, and smiled inwardly at Kathryn's surprise and discomfort. "I mean, they were full of innuendo, double meanings . . ."

"No face and no voice," said Kathryn.

"And no tone of voice to hear or discern the meaning," countered Chakotay.

"That's why I'm here, Chakotay. I . . . I have a lot of regrets."

"And I'm guessing you want to clear the air? To let me know once and for all that there is no . . ."

"No!" she said sharply. "Please," she said in a softer voice. "Please let me say what I have to . . . what I want to," she amended. "This is very difficult for me, because I, too, could not decipher your responses and I need to know, need to understand where we . . ."

She stopped and looked into his eyes, knowing he always could read her mind on Voyager, and almost beseeching him to give her the answers she sought without her having to ask, but Chakotay remained quiet. As she gazed at him she realized that this was one time she had to say it out loud, whether it was yes or no.

"I've missed you Chakotay," she said softly. "For seven years you were at my side . . ." She looked away for a moment and then directly at him.

"Why, Chakotay? When I asked for you to be my First Officer on my first assignment after we returned home, why did you turn it down?"

"Truth?"

"Always."

"All right Kathryn, I'll tell you the truth. I felt honored that you asked for me. There is no other Captain I wanted to serve, but I just didn't think, after seven years of you holding me an arms length away . . . well, I just didn't know whether I could go through that again."

"I thought that's what it might have been," she said quietly.

He shrugged his shoulders. "So I decided it was best to resign from Starfleet and leave Earth."

She nodded. "I know. I was bitterly disappointed when Starfleet told me you had rejected my offer and then resigned."

"Well, I'm sure you got another great First Officer," Chakotay said with a grin.

"No one could replace you, Chakotay. No one," she repeated looking him in the eye as she said it, which made his heart jump. "But yes, the First Officers I had over the years were capable - they just weren't you."

Chakotay didn't know what to say, so remained quiet. The room became thick with tension. Why doesn't she say what she came to say? He thought. Finally he looked at her.

"Do you see any of Voyager's personnel?" he suddenly asked, trying to change a subject that might have an answer he was sure would again break his heart.

"Yes, I see Tom and B'Elanna quite regularly. They always ask about you. I hear from Tuvok about every three months . . . he and T'Pel are doing fine, and Harry . . ." she giggled. "I see and hear from Harry every time he's in town. He's a Commander now, did you know that?"

Chakotay grinned. "No I didn't. That's great! He got quite a start on his first assignment with Voyager. Wouldn't wish that on any . . ." he stopped and quickly added, "Any new Ensign."

"Are you sorry about your time on Voyager, Chakotay?"

"No," he said quickly, adding "No, far from it. I'm not sorry at all. After all, I got to fight the Kazon, help you beat the Borg, and have all kinds of interesting experiences I wouldn't have gotten in the Alpha Quadrant. Besides that, I got to meet and know the infamous Captain Janeway," he said with a twinkle in his eyes.

Kathryn chuckled. "Infamous, is it? No, hardly that. But we did have some good times didn't we," she said in a husky voice.

"Very good times, Kathryn," he answered softly.

"I don't see a woman's touch," she said as she once again looked around the cabin.

Chakotay grinned. "No, I don't have a girlfriend or wife, Kathryn." As she blushed he laughed out loud. "Well that's what you wanted to know isn't it?"

Her face was now flaming red, so red as to almost match her hair. She nodded. "It's what I wanted to know," she finally answered, and immediately looked away and out the back window, while Chakotay stood quietly. Although at first he enjoyed her discomfort, he now was aware he didn't like himself much for feeling that way, and had the urge to put his arms around her. He frowned and inwardly cursed himself as he became acutely aware how deeply he still felt for this woman.

At last she looked back at Chakotay but remained silent and he smiled. "What is it Kathryn? This is not like you to not say what you are thinking."

A shy, smile curled at her lips. "This is difficult, Chakotay, but as I started to say a few minutes ago, I have regrets . . . about a lot of things."

"Such as," he asked while trying to maintain a passive expression.

"Such as not having you by my side anymore, not being able to tell . . . well let's just say I've had five years to think about it and five years to regret my actions . . . my stubbornness of holding to those damn protocols and the command structure ideals I continually spouted as an excuse."

"Excuse?" he asked in a sarcastic tone. "I thought you held the almighty Starfleet protocols in high regard."

"I did at one time, but in five years I've come to realize there is only one thing I hold in high regard, my happiness with a life long partner." She looked at him, her feelings displayed like a brightly shining light bulb. "I guess I'm not making much sense am I? I'm stuttering and stammering around the subject like a small girl."

"Just try saying whatever it is you want to say, without thinking about how you want to say it or in what context. Just say it, Kathryn. I've found that is usually the best way."

She smiled, and then chuckled. "I don't think I have had such a hard time saying anything since the Academy days."

"And I bet you didn't have much trouble there. You were headstrong and impulsive if I recall," said Chakotay with a mischievous smile.

She laughed, a hearty, loud laugh, which made Chakotay laugh in response. God how he liked to see her laugh!

Chakotay turned and headed for the kitchen. "Maybe a cup of coffee will loosen your tongue. You still like coffee don't you?"

"You know me, Chakotay. I never turn down a cup of coffee. But I will have you know I have tried to cut down, like you warned me to do several times in the Delta Quadrant."

As Chakotay finished making the coffee he was aware everything had become quiet. Turning to Kathryn he saw her still standing in the middle of the room, looking like a lost child. Impulsively he walked to her and tucking his forefinger under her chin asked softly, "What is it Kathryn? Is something wrong . . . your family, a friend?"

"The only thing wrong is that I'm afraid of an answer I might receive."

"Afraid of an answer?" he asked. "Why - from whom?"

"From you, Chakotay," she said quietly.

"But you haven't asked any question, Kathryn. Try me. You might be surprised, not disappointed. After all, we are good friends, and you know I will give you an honest answer."

Kathryn stared at him for a long minute, her blue eyes boring deep into his brown ones, as if she could find the answer without the question. "I guess that's what I'm afraid of," she finally whispered. "That all we are," she stopped and inhaled sharply before continuing. "That we are only friends."

Chakotay looked at her. That was about as close as she had ever come to telling him she cared, that she wanted more than friendship with him.

"I see," he answered in a soft tone. "You are afraid, just like you were afraid with your father and Justin?"

"Yes," she whispered as she tried to lower her head, but Chakotay wouldn't let her, keeping his forefinger firmly under her chin and keeping her head up.

"Did you not learn anything about me in those seven years, Kathryn? Ask your question and let's go from there."

She briefly closed her eyes, was quiet, then taking a deep breath opened her eyes and while looking directly at him asked, "After all that's happened, and after five more years, is there any chance for us? Do you have any feelings left for me after the way I treated you?"

The corners of Chakotay's lips curled minutely, and then he smiled. "Kathryn, I must admit, that when you kept pushing me away in the Delta Quadrant, and then when we finally got home, virtually just saying 'thanks it's been great serving with you', well . . . I admit I was very hurt. That hurt dissipated into anger and frustration, and was part of the reason I left Earth to live here. The other part of that reason is that I knew I still cared for you and always would, and truthfully, I just didn't know how to handle a chance meeting with you. If I were to ever see you with someone else . . ."

Kathryn smiled and placed a finger on his lips. "So are you saying I still have a chance?"

He smiled broadly. "Well . . . I guess we can see how it goes and if we seem to hit it off, we can give it a chance," then both broke out in hardy laughter, following by a deep, tight hug.

As Chakotay held her tight against him he silently thanked his Spirits, and then pushing her away said, "I think the coffee is done."

"I'm not really interested in coffee anymore," she murmured. "I'm just so happy that you will give me a chance to prove my love for you."

"Are you going to spend some time here, or head back to Earth?" Chakotay asked, trying to calm his heart upon hearing her mention the word love.

"I would like to spend some time here, if you don't mind."

"Then we need to change the sheets. I can't have my guest sleeping in dirty sheets. Besides it's late, almost bedtime. I see the sun's already gone down," he said with a laugh. "We retire early in these parts."

They stripped the bed and put on fresh sheets. When that was done, Chakotay reached down and picked up a pillow, looked at Kathryn and said, "Sleep well, Kathryn. I'll see you in the morning."

"What are you doing? Where are you going?" she exclaimed.

"I'll sleep on the sofa."

Kathryn slowly and deliberately walked to where he stood near the door, and taking the pillow from his hands, tossed it on the bed.

"We share the bed, Chakotay. We both sleep there," she said in a true Janeway order.

"Kathryn?" he asked in wide-eyed surprise.

She smiled. "Oh I don't expect us to make love the first night, but now that I know you still love me and we are a couple as of a few minutes ago, I'm not letting you out of my sight!"

Chakotay laughed. "Kathryn, do you honestly expect me to lie beside you and not want to make love to you?"

"Well not the first night," she said smugly. "At least not for the first twelve minutes!" she added with a hearty laugh.

Chakotay, actually feeling a bit numb by this turn of events, turned haltingly back into the room. Silently they sat on opposite sides of the bed, stripped off their clothes and slipped under the sheets. Chakotay felt extremely nervous, but Kathryn immediately rolled on her side, and placing her head on his shoulder, sighed in deep contentment.

The room became very quiet, with only the clock's ticking being heard. Tick, tock, tick, tock, filled the room, with the ticking increasing in sound, until it sounded like thunder in Chakotay's ears. Occasionally the rustle of animals could be heard outside. Finally Chakotay cleared his throat.

"Kathryn?"

"Uhmm?" she said as she nestled her head deeper on his shoulder.

"Has it been twelve minutes yet?"

Both laughed and then the room again became quiet, except for the rustle of the sheets and some occasional moans.


Finis
March 2001

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