Disclaimer: Paramount owns all things Trek and because they don't do with the characters what we fans would like, stories like this exist. No infringement intended.

Space Is A Harsh Mistress"

by Dee Price


Captain Janeway, her hair disheveled, blood trickling relentlessly down her cheek from a cut on her forehead as well as a steady stream of blood rolling down her right leg, looked dazedly around the Bridge. It was almost totally destroyed.

Four ships had appeared from out of nowhere and all fired a multitude of torpedoes at the unaware Voyager. A true ambush of lethal proportions as their weapons cut through Voyager's shields like a hot knife through butter. No word of warning, no boarding after the attack was finished, no explanation, they simply disappeared into thin air. Janeway felt they had to have some cloaking device as well as superior technology.

She slowly turned and looked up at the almost non-existent OPS Station. Tom and Harry, standing together talking about something, were killed instantly with the first torpedo. Tuvok, at Tactical, suffered burns over 80% of his body. Condition: Critical. Prognosis: slim to none.

Chakotay suffered burns not only to his whole body, but also deep burns to his lungs, as well as a severe concussion and multiple fractures. On the first explosion at OPS he had dove at her, throwing his body across hers and effectively protecting his Captain from the lethal Plasma and fire that spewed across the bridge, as well as from the falling debris. Condition: Critical. Prognosis: slim to none.

Down in Engineering their damage was catastrophic. Fourteen crewmembers were killed outright, the Warp Core breeched and B'Elanna Torres in bravery beyond imagination had managed to dump the Core before the lethal Plasma fumes had overcome her. She suffered burned lungs, multiple fractures, a concussion, and multiple contusions as well as severe cuts, one to a leg artery. Condition: critical. Prognosis: fair to slim.

The news from Sick Bay continued to be bad. The Doctor had just told her the mind-numbing news that the count of casualties was now 28, including Seven of Nine, Neelix and Lt. Ayala. Her mind dazed beyond comprehension, refused to function.

Janeway felt someone take hold of her arm and heard the words, "Captain you should go to Sick Bay and have your injuries taken care of." She turned and looked into the young face of an Ensign. Who was he? What was his name? She just stood and stared at him.

"I'll help you Captain," he said as he gently turned her to the Bridge doors, which sat wide open. She looked into this young face and again wondered who he was, then silently nodded, and with the Ensign's help limped off the Bridge.

As she entered Sick Bay she became aware all beds were filled and inert forms, some quiet, some moaning in pain were lying all over the floor, leaving just small paths for the Doctor to move around. She peered into dirty faces and vacant eyes then looked toward the beds where she knew her Senior Officers must be.

"Captain, just a moment" said the Doctor and hurried to her as she slowly limped toward the first Biobed and quickly ran his Tri Corder over her.

"Your cuts are not life threatening Captain, but you do have a mild concussion."

She didn't answer and as she reached the first bed saw it contained Chakotay. She stood and stared down on his still form for several seconds. Finally she looked up at the Doctor. He shook his head and said, "I'm sorry Captain. He can't breathe on his own and even though I have him on a Respirator, I don't feel he will last another hour."

Her mind in total shock, she turned to the bed behind her and saw Tuvok, or at least she felt it must be Tuvok. He was virtually unidentifiable. "I'm afraid it's the same with Mr. Tuvok," said the Doctor quietly. "His burns are severe." The Captain nodded her head and glanced at the next bed over. It was B'Elanna, also in a Respirator and she limped past the Doctor to that bed and quietly looked down at this woman who had obviously saved the ship at virtually the cost of her own life.

Looking up at the Doctor who had moved beside her she asked the silent question.

"I really don't know Captain," responded the Doctor. "It depends on whether her Klingon half feels it's a good day to die or it gets angry at being ambushed like we were."

Bending down she whispered in a hoarse, yet quiet voice, "Fight B'Elanna, fight so we can get back at those cowards," then she moved back to Chakotay and stood quietly at his bedside. Reaching down she took hold of Chakotay's cool hand and clasping both her hands around it bent down and put her lips close to his ear. "I'm not ready to lose you Chakotay. Fight. I need you, not only as my First Officer, but as my friend." As she straightened she brushed her lips on his cheek.

The Doctor quickly returned from treating another patient and proceeded to take care of the cut on her forehead, and then while she leaned against Chakotay's bed he cleaned the cut on her leg. After running the Dermal Regenerator over it pronounced her fine, and said, "I strongly recommend with your concussion you go to your quarters Captain. It's 2300 hours and from what I understand we're immobile, so there isn't anything you can do. Besides, a rested Captain can think better."

"Any more Casualties?" she asked vacantly.

"I'm afraid the count is now 35 Captain and it will rise. Look you need rest. There isn't anything you can do, so I insist you leave. He turned to the Ensign leaning against the door in a somber, dazed and dejected posture and said, "Ensign, take the Captain to her quarters, then I suggest, unless you also have an injury, get some rest yourself." The Ensign nodded and as Captain Janeway reached the door he took hold of her arm and slowly walked her down the corridor.

Janeway spent a restless night, dozing fitfully while her mind raced in chaotic sequence about the attack. At 0500 hours she rose, dressed and stiffly moved to the Bridge. As she walked in her heart ached at the scene: Helm was destroyed, as was OPS. Tactical and the Engineering station were severely damaged. Debris was everywhere with wires hanging down from holes in the ceiling. She made her way to her chair and saw it was split virtually in half by a beam that had fallen from above. She saw Chakotay's chair lying on its side, and with effort righted it and slowly sank down onto its dusty seat.

Sighing heavily she leaned back. Chakotay had saved her life probably at the cost of his own. He had always told her he would be at her side, helping her anyway possible to make her burden lighter, now he wasn't there.

She hadn't heard anything further from the Doctor and didn't know whether that was a good sign or not. He had said neither Chakotay nor Tuvok would make it. Tapping her badge she hailed Sick Bay, hoping Communications was still working. His broken, static-filled response indicated there were problems but at least it was in partial operating order.

"How are Chakotay and Tuvok, Doctor?"

"Unbelievably they are still hanging on, albeit by the proverbial thread. You should be resting Captain."

"Couldn't sleep Doctor. How long have you been online?"

"Since well before the attack. Once I get all of the patients stabilized and no further danger, I will turn myself off for a couple of hours. That will be awhile but I will inform you at that time. Also we lost eight more during the night."

"Thank you, and Doctor, I want to be kept constantly informed of Chakotay, Tuvok and B'Elanna, regardless of time. That's an order."

"Understood, Captain. Oh! The Commander is going into Respiratory Arrest. Have to go!"

"Which Commander? Doctor?" She leaned back and placed a hand to her forehead and rubbed. It could be either one of them! She rose and headed for Sick Bay.

After what seemed an endless trip she walked into Sick Bay. The Doctor was bending over Chakotay's bed and she immediately wended her way past patients on the floor to his side. When she looked down at Chakotay she was shocked. His face, normally brown-toned was white as a sheet. "Doctor?"

He shook his head. "He died a couple of times but I managed to bring him back. It's just a matter of time now. I'm sorry, Captain."

Janeway felt the blood drain from her face at that statement and felt like she would collapse. Grasping the edge of the bed she hung on while her mind screamed, No!!!

Suddenly she got angry, angrier than she had ever been in her life. Her ship was almost beyond repair, she had lost 43 crewmembers at last count, her counsel for many years, Tuvok, would never be the same should he survive the burns, and now she was told by the Doctor her dearest friend Chakotay had only moments to live! She moved to Chakotay's side and taking hold of his hand said quite sharply, "Don't you dare leave me, mister! I need you - this ship needs you! Don't you think for one minute I'm going to let you shirk your duty! Now live, damn it, LIVE!" and she squeezed his hand very hard.

Looking around at the other patients, who were looking at her with startled expressions, she shouted out at them, "All of you . . . fight for your lives! Fight to live . . . don't give up, damn it, don't give up!"

The Doctor took hold of both her shoulders and gently tried to move her from Chakotay's bedside. "Captain . . . you must . . ."

"No! I refuse to let anyone else die. Those bastards that did this, I'll find them and destroy every one of their ships!" As her yells rang throughout the room she turned and stalked angrily out of Sick Bay. She stormed as fast as she could with her sore leg down the corridor. When she reached a junction, she paused and looked back, then placing both arms against the wall she leaned her head against her hands and started to cry - crying from fierce anger and from long subdued grief. Her sobs echoed along the corridor and it seemed she couldn't stop. Suddenly she felt a hand on her arm and looked up. It was the young Ensign.

"Are you all right Captain? Has someone else passed on?"

She nodded and swiped at the tears rolling down her cheeks. "I'll be all right, thank you Ensign." She looked back towards Sick Bay. "Soon I think . . . soon," and she took both hands and wiped her eyes.

"I'm sorry Captain," he said quietly.

She attempted a smile. "Thank you. I'll be okay. Go on with what you were doing."

"Well to tell you the truth, I'm not really doing much. Some of us aren't sure what to do. We haven't been giving any orders so we just wander around and try to pick up debris and haul it to the Cargo Bay."

Kathryn looked at him, patted him on the shoulder then looked for the nearest Communication Panel. Spotting one down the corridor she walked to it at a brisk clip, punched a few times and satisfied said, "All hands this is the Captain. Those of you who can hear me and are fit to work there are two areas of need, Engineering and the Bridge. Divide yourself up into crews and go to those areas. We have work to do. We are going to repair this ship, we are not going to sit here and die! Anyone from Maintenance please go specifically to the Bridge. I will meet you there." Smiling at the Ensign she turned to head for the Bridge but after two steps stopped and turned.

"Ensign?" she called.

He had started in the opposite direction and turned to her. "Yes ma'am?"

"What is your name?"

"Ensign Parker, ma'am, Randy Parker," he said with a smile.

Janeway nodded. "Oh yes, you're in Supplies. I could use your help on the Bridge."

"Communication is out where most of us have gathered. I'm going down there to give them your message, and then I'll be back with a crew, Captain."

Janeway smiled. "See you in a few minutes then and thank you for getting me out of my self-pity and the doldrums Ensign Parker. We'll have plenty of time to grieve later."

It wasn't long before Ensign Parker walked in with ten Maintenance crewmembers. Janeway recognized most of them, but was shocked to see all of them with injuries. "Did you people misunderstand? I asked for the healthy crew members to report to duty."

One man, a Lt, limped forward. "I don't believe there is anyone on the ship without some kind of injury or trauma Captain. Besides, keeping busy will be the best therapy." He turned and gave orders to the group, some to cleanup the debris and some to prioritize repair needs.

As the Lt looked back to her she asked him to concentrate on Communications first, then OPS.

"Yes ma'am, but there is one other priority. The bodies . . . the Doctor has had them taken to the Shuttle Bay and . . ." he stopped and his hands dropped limply to his side.

Shock registered on the Captain's face. The bodies! Of course! She had forgotten. Plans must be made for their burial in space as well as the pods, and services . . .

"Thank you for reminding me Lt. I haven't been myself today."

"No one has Captain. Don't criticize yourself for not thinking of it. Actually we are still taking the deceased down there . . . the Doctor calls and . . ."

She patted him on the shoulder. "I'll handle it Lt." and he smiled and turned to what used to be OPS. Janeway looked around for a moment then moved to what was formerly her Ready Room and tapped her badge.

"Doctor?"

"Sick Bay here. How are you Captain?"

"More in control thank you. How is . . ." and she swallowed before continuing, "The Commander?"

"He is still hanging on Captain. Actually his heart rate jumped when you yelled at him. Possibly I should add that to my database of health care."

"My apologies Doctor, but on the other hand if it helps . . ." she said with a slight smile. "There is another matter Doctor, that of the bodies. I'll arrange the services for tomorrow if you will handle the pods and preparation."

"Actually the bodies were prepared before I had them taken to the Shuttle Bay, Captain. But I shall arrange for the Pods. Will it be a mass ceremony?"

"Basically, it will I guess. It's the only way we can take care of so many."

"What about Mr. Paris, Ensign Kim, Seven and Neelix? They were. . ."

"As much as I would like a separate ceremony to honor those fine people," Janeway interrupted, "We can't. I will say special words for them, however. Janeway out."

An hour later, Janeway was hailed by the Doctor. Her heart dropped. Here it was - the news from the Doctor that Chakotay was gone. She didn't move nor look up but heard silence envelop the Bridge as workers stopped.

"Janeway here," she softly.

"Captain will you come to Sick Bay please?"

She hesitated only briefly then stood tall and holding her head high, her chin tipped up in defiance she walked off the Bridge.

As she walked into Sick Bay she glanced at Chakotay's bed and noted the blanket was pulled up to his chin. The Doctor has laid him out so I can take one last look at him she thought to herself and started walking toward his bed.

"Over here Captain," came the Doctor's voice. She looked to him, puzzled, and then with one more glance towards Chakotay walked over to where he stood at B'Elanna's bedside. Holding his arm towards B'Elanna, he smiled. Janeway was shocked to see her eyes open!

"B'Elanna, how wonderful you are awake!" she said.

"Barely," was the raspy reply.

"Doctor?" she asked as she took hold of B'Elanna's hand.

"Well her Klingon half decided to fight. That or it was your speech awhile ago that got to her."

"Is she . . .?

"Lt Torres is going to be fine Captain." He looked around and smugly said "Well, that is one more I can send back to work. Now if the rest decide to fight I can send you some more."

"What about Tuvok?"

The Doctor rolled his eyes. "The more I think I know about Vulcan physiology the less I know. That man has put himself into some kind of Vulcan coma! His vital signs haven't changed all day. They are very low, almost off the screen, but what's low for a Vulcan anyway? The only thing I can do is to continue to work on repairing his burns and scar tissue with the Dermal Regenerator"

Janeway squeezed B'Elanna's hand, smiled and told her to take care and obey the Doctor, then walked to Tuvok's bed and looked down. He looked as if he were merely asleep.

"You have done wonders with his burns Doctor. His face looks almost normal now. Keep up the good work." She then forced herself to look at Chakotay.

"The Commander is still 'hanging in there' as they say, Captain. Although I must admit I thought he would have passed on by now."

"Although he's a peaceful man, he's also a fighter, Doctor, and right now I think and hope he is fighting. Give him your best medical expertise and pray to his Spirits to help him."

"I'll do what I can, you know that Captain, but I honestly don't know what's keeping him alive."

"Maybe it IS his Spirits, Doctor. Keep me posted," and she walked out feeling better than when she arrived.

When she strode back onto the Bridge every worker turned and looked at her. She smiled and told them B'Elanna was now awake, Tuvok was holding his own and Chakotay was still 'hanging in there.' They all smiled and turned back to their repairs.

* * * * *

Before retiring that night Janeway checked with the Doctor and was informed, "Mr. Tuvok and the Commander have not changed, but Lt Torres is getting quite cranky. She appears to be returning to her normal self quite rapidly."

Kathryn smiled broadly. "Thank you Doctor. Good luck on keeping her down. Incidentally I have scheduled the Memorial Service for 0900 hours in the morning in the Shuttle Bay"

"Unfortunately I have had to add four more to that somber task Captain." He gave her the names and she nodded somberly, bid him goodnight and retired to another sleepless night.

The next morning when she walked into the Shuttle Bay she found it filled to capacity, with the Pods all lined up to for placement on the rails the crew had erected, and the remaining space occupied by both the remaining wounded and healthy crewmembers. Some were in their dress uniforms, some in their torn and dirty attire. She herself was in her Dress Uniform. She owed all these heroic people that one last measure of respect.

Later she didn't even remember what she had said but made a point of walking past each Pod. However, she did not look at the deceased, merely hesitating momentarily and placing her hand on each pod she passed while the name was intoned by Lt Turner. The Doctor had informed her she wouldn't recognize Tom or Harry, nor some of the others and besides, she wanted to remember them all as they were, and not how they looked now. As the Pods sailed one by one out into space, their eternal place of rest, she had a lump so big in her throat she felt it was going to choke her to death.

Afterwards she made a stop at Sick Bay, found everyone still the same, except for B'Elanna, who was now sitting up and complaining loudly to the Doctor. This buoyed her spirits and gave her even more hope. After leaving she changed clothes and reported to the Bridge. Some of the workers were already hard at work.

Walking over to Lt Turner she asked for an update, and then headed for the Jeffrey's tube in Section 8. The Lt had mentioned a panel in that section needed to be checked. Two hours later, sweaty, hair out of place and smudges on her face, she heard the doors behind her open. Glancing over her shoulder she was shocked to see B'Elanna crawling into the tube.

"B'Elanna! You shouldn't be here - you should be in Sick Bay!"

"Maybe," she said in a raspy voice, "But I have to do something, and working or just getting out of Sick Bay will help."

Kathryn smiled. "Did the Doctor okay it?

"For an hour, Captain," she said in her hoarse voice. "What are you trying to do? Maybe I can make some suggestions."

Janeway told her of the problems she was encountering in the panel and with B'Elanna's devious Maquis mind and ingenuity she was able to repair it, in a jury-rigged sort of way. She then sat back and looked at B'Elanna, wondering if she knew about Tom and Harry. B'Elanna took care of that question.

"Captain . . . Tom and Harry? They were killed weren't they?"

Janeway slid over to sit beside her and after sliding an arm around B'Elanna's shoulders nodded her head and said, "I'm afraid so. The first torpedo took out Harry's station as he and Tom stood talking. If it's any solace, I don't think they knew what happened, it was so fast."

B'Elanna, her head down, nodded. "I kinda figured that's what happened when I didn't see them in Sick Bay and no one mentioned their names." She looked up and Kathryn saw tears cascading down her cheeks. "Everyone I know seems to get killed, and from what I've pieced together it doesn't look good for Chakotay either."

Kathryn put both arms around B'Elanna and pulled her head down to her shoulder. "I know. Life is very hard sometimes, especially when we lose the ones we care most about." A sob escaped B'Elanna's lips and Janeway said, "Let it all out B'Elanna. No one will hear you in here. Let it out - get it all out of your system." And B'Elanna did.

For the next two days the Captain and B'Elanna worked together, more from Janeway's standpoint of wanting to be sure she did not over do. They spent most of this time in Engineering, where what was left of her crew greeted B'Elanna's first entrance with great enthusiasm. This alone buoyed B'Elanna's spirits and helped cover her grief over Tom.

At 0330 hours the Doctor hailed the Captain and asked her to come to Sick Bay. Groggy from sleep and filled with nervous trepidation she walked in. Chakotay as usual was in his deathly still state, but Tuvok was sitting up!

"Captain! Will you please order this man to lay down?" shouted the Doctor. "He's too weak to sit let alone walk, which is what he wants to do."

"The Doctor is correct, Captain," said Tuvok in a raspy voice, "But I need movement."

Janeway, ecstatic at Tuvok's recovery but concerned nonetheless for his health, looked at him, his face scarred from his burns, but looking so much better. After a moment of internal evaluation she nodded her head and said to the Doctor, "Tuvok knows his physiology better than any of us Doctor. We'll both help him."

With the two of them holding his arms they assisted him off the bed and a struggling, weak, almost dragging walk around the room. At last he indicated he wanted to lie down again, and the Doctor and Janeway, who found herself exhausted from holding his weight up, helped him back on the bed.

"One more day Captain, and I shall be ready to join you on the Bridge," he whispered.

"Two or three days my dear friend," said Janeway. "There isn't any rush; we're not going anywhere soon."

Tuvok nodded his understanding and as he lay back said, "With your permission I would then like to report for duty when I feel able, even if only a few hours at a time."

"Permission granted." She looked at the Doctor who had exasperation written all over his face. "Also, Doctor, if Tuvok feels he will recover faster in his quarters, I suggest you allow it. I can assign someone to watch him." The Doctor reluctantly agreed and the Captain patted Tuvok on his arm, smiled and said, "Welcome back my friend," then walked to Chakotay, stared down at his still white form for a long minute, willing him to live, then left for Engineering to tell B'Elanna the news.

At mid-afternoon the Doctor reported that Tuvok had been helped to his quarters and also that he had released four more crewmembers to return to duty. Janeway smiled. Slowly her crew was returning and repairs were going well.

"What about Chakotay?"

"Surprisingly he is still with us Captain. However, his vital signs have not changed, up or down, in the last hour, which is I guess, encouraging in itself." She looked over at B'Elanna who though trying to show she wasn't listening, showed she was by smiling at the Captain. They continued working on the Impulse Engines the rest of the day and it looked encouraging. If they could get them online, then repair and connect the helm they could at least start moving, first to recover the Warp Core then toward the next planet or system, wherever that might be, where they could initiate further repairs.

At dinner-time, both B'Elanna and the Captain sat in the Mess Hall picking at their food. An Ensign limped over with a pot of coffee.

"Fresh coffee?" he asked. Both smiled and held their cup for him. "Repairs seem to be going well," he said.

"Yes things are improving," said the Captain. "How are you doing?"

"Oh," he said smiling while shrugging his shoulders, "I'm all right Captain. But tell me, how is the Commander? From what I've been told it's a miracle he is still alive!"

Janeway smiled. "Yes, it is a miracle isn't it? Maybe he's a good sign, our good luck charm so to speak." At that moment her Com Badge erupted with a frantic call from the Doctor. "Please report to Sick Bay immediately!" Both she and B'Elanna stood and ran out of the room.

As they raced into Sick Bay the Doctor was working frantically on the Commander. "Hand me that Hypo Spray Captain!" he called as he saw them rush in. The Doctor injected the Hypo then continued pushing with both hands on Chakotay's chest.

"I've lost him Captain!" he said as he continued to work.

Janeway looked down, realized the Doctor was giving CPR and immediately moved to Chakotay's head, tilted it back, opened his mouth, squeezed his nose shut and placing her lips over his mouth blew. The two of them continued this for the next two minutes until a beep from the console indicated Chakotay's heart was again pumping. After making sure his patient was again breathing he looked at the Captain.

"The Commander has died three times in the last hour, making a total of five times he has passed on. Captain, I know I have a Hippocratic Oath to keep patients alive, but don't you think it would be better to . . . just let him go?"

Janeway looked at him, shocked beyond words, and then outrage filled her being. "Don't you dare even think that Doctor." she spat. "You keep him alive!"

"But Captain, five times . . . it's a losing cause."

"Don't you dare give up, Doctor!" she snarled. "Chakotay keeps fighting to live, don't you give up on him!"

"That's just it, Captain," shouted the Doctor. "The Commander himself has given up and tried to die five times, but I keep bringing him back!"

Janeway stared at him, eyes wide. He was right! Chakotay has, in essence, given up the fight by succumbing to his injuries. Were they right to keep bringing him back?

"You can't believe that Doctor!" shouted B'Elanna as she took up the gauntlet. "The Chakotay I know would never give up!"

This protest from B'Elanna brought Kathryn back to the disagreement. She looked down at Chakotay. She didn't want to lose him, but was he telling her to let him go? No, B'Elanna was right, at least for the moment.

"Keep him alive Doctor. In the meantime I'll consider your request." She turned and walked out with B'Elanna running after her.

"Captain, surely you are not going give up!"

She stopped walking and leaned against the bulkhead, was silent a few moments, and then looking at B'Elanna said, "I don't want to lose him B'Elanna, anymore than you do. I just don't know . . ." she said and then turned and started walking towards Engineering. The two women worked in silence for the next two hours, both intent on their jobs yet deep inside the recesses of their brain thinking of Chakotay.

The next day they had their first major success. Janeway was on the Bridge when B'Elanna hailed her to report they finally had gotten Impulse engines on line.

"That is great news B'Elanna, now we are starting to make progress. The repairs are also going well on Helm. It's actually starting to look like one again."

Later that afternoon Tuvok walked onto the Bridge. "Lt Commander Tuvok reporting for duty, Captain." Janeway walked quickly to him and guided him to his chair at Tactical.

"Welcome back Mr. Tuvok. The Doctor informed me a few minutes ago you were going to do this, but recommended short duration work hours, and I agree. You look tired."

"I must admit the walk from my quarters was more tiring than I anticipated Captain. However, I shall be all right. What is it I may do to assist in repairs?"

Janeway pointed to his console. "Tactical still needs a lot of work. But take your time and rest often . . . that's an order!"

The next week was exhausting for everyone. Hours were long, sleep restless and nerves frayed when disappointment arose on some failure. But the good news was that B'Elanna and Tuvok were virtually at full strength now and that gladdened her heart. Repairs, despite the occasional back step were progressing, and no one else had died. In fact, the Doctor had released the last of his patients, with the exception of the Commander, of course.

Chakotay was still 'iffy' but had not 'died' since the last episode of three times. Following that scare she had made a point of stopping by Sick Bay each morning, again around noon and one last stop at night before retiring, to not only check on him but to quietly keep telling him to keep fighting, to live. B'Elanna was doing the same and she felt sure Tuvok, going in for daily treatment for his burns, was also making a point to see Chakotay.

Kathryn was bone tired when she stopped by the Mess Hall for coffee. Spotting B'Elanna she walked over. "May I join you?"

"Of course, Captain," she said softly as she stirred her coffee.

"You look very tired B'Elanna. Are you working at night as well?"

"Can't sleep, might as well do something. You don't look too chipper yourself."

"I have to admit I haven't been this tired since the 'all-nighters' at the Academy. Both women giggled at that as both recalled 'those days.' "We're having trouble with Helm. They finished yesterday and thought they had all the connections right, but it wouldn't come on, not a single light or panel, so that's what I'll be doing today," said Kathryn.

"That sounds like fun, being underneath that panel," said B'Elanna with a smile.

"I know, I have all the fun," she said with a chuckle, but I have the crew on other repairs today, so I guess I better get up there. See you for dinner?"

"I'll be here," and both women headed for their respective areas.

Three hours later Janeway was lying on her back looking up at the inside of the Helm. She was swearing silently as all her work seemed for naught. Helm was still not functioning. She reached up into all the circuits with her Ratchet Power Driver and checked to see if all boards were tight. Finding one loose she was attempting to tighten it when the whole board fell loose and dropped in her face.

"Damn!" she said out loud and heard a few snickers from the Maintenance Crew working at OPS. She chuckled herself despite her frustration as she pictured how this must look to the crew: the Captain laying on her back, under the Helm panel and cussing. Fumbling around she found the board and was inserting it into its proper slot when her Com Badge chirped.

"Sick Bay to the Captain." It was the Doctor.

Her heart jumped at his quiet tone. "Janeway here."

"Captain, I'm afraid I've lost the Commander."

Kathryn's arm went weak and the tool dropped out of her hand and landed with a clatter on the deck beside her. She closed her eyes and squeezed them real tight. Oh God no. Oh Chakotay, no, no . . . You can't have died. You have fought so long and so hard, why . . . why now? She squeezed the bridge of her nose so tight she felt pain. Maybe you were trying to tell us to let you go after all . . .

"Captain? Did you hear me? I said I've lost the Commander . . ."

I heard you Doctor her mind screamed, but she forced herself to answer softly. "Yes, I heard you Doctor, but there isn't much I can do now, is there? I'll be down in a little while."

"But Captain, I . . ."

"I said in a little while Doctor! Janeway out." She laid there, her whole body feeling weak, nauseous and trembling. She rubbed at her forehead and then her eyes, trying to prevent any tears. Busy, she had to keep busy. The Doctor had to prepare Chakotay so she would just work on Helm a little while longer while she got her emotions under control, then on her way to Sick Bay she would inform B'Elanna. She reached around on the floor trying to find the driver.

"Is this what you're looking for, Captain?" said a voice.

Kathryn, startled at the voice rose straight up and cracked her head on the under panel of the Helm. Grabbing her head she rolled her shoulders out from under the panel and sat up, and then almost fainted, as her eyes widened in shock as she looked into the wan, tired face of Chakotay.

"You're alive! But the Doctor just said he lost you," she said in a stunned whisper.

Chakotay smiled. "I walked out of Sick Bay without his realizing it. I think that's what he was referring to."

"I can't believe it! Here let me help you to your seat. You look like you're going to collapse." She stood and taking his arm led him up to his chair and as he sat down he nodded his head.

"That feels better. I never realized how long that walk is from Sick Bay."

Kathryn stared at him in complete amazement, still not believing her eyes as she sat down on the console between their two seats. "I don't understand. You were still unconscious when I stopped by at 0500 this morning."

"I was sleeping. I actually woke up three days ago and swore the Doctor to secrecy. I wanted to surprise you one morning, but I got restless today."

She couldn't stop smiling. "Thank the Spirits you are all right. I'm just so thankful, Chakotay. I couldn't take anymore if I . . ."

"I'm sorry about the ship and the lost crew, Kathryn," Chakotay interjected. "The Doctor filled me in yesterday."

Despite her joy at Chakotay's presence she became somber. "It's been terrible. We lost some very good people, almost 50, and virtually everyone else was injured in some way. I don't think I will ever recover emotionally from that."

"Space is a harsh mistress, Kathryn. It's fraught with dangers and her environment is lethal if we aren't careful. I sometimes wonder what draws us out here. Is it exploration, curiosity or just tempting fate?"

Kathryn looked at him. "Those dangers almost made me lose you, too," she said softly.

A small smile touched at his lips. "The Doctor told me I died five times and of the heated discussion you and he had on whether to let me go." He looked down at the deck momentarily then as he looked back at Kathryn he reached over and took hold of her hand. "I will never know who was right, but I do know at this exact moment I am very glad to be alive."

Kathryn sat and just looked at this man she almost lost. Her eyes glimmered with wetness and her heart was bursting with love. She loved him more than she had ever loved anyone, and yet even now was still prevented from telling him.

Almost as if he read her mind he smiled, squeezed her hand and said reverently, "I know, Kathryn, I know, but it will be worth the wait."

"Yes it will," she whispered as she wiped her eyes.

The End
Mar 2000
Edited June 2006

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