Disclaimer: The usual, even though Voyager is over.

Things Remembered, Things Forgotten

by Dee Price


"Hello Kathryn."

The silver-haired woman turned at the voice, her mouth opening in a perfect 'O' as her eyes expressed both shock and surprise. Almost immediately a warm smile lit her face.

"Chakotay! Oh my goodness! My dear, dear Chakotay, how are you?" she said as she reached out and took hold of his hand.

"I'm good. How are you?"

"Old," she said with a slight laugh.

"You're not old, Kathryn, you are more beautiful than ever."

A slight tinge of pink showed on her cheeks as she momentarily placed her hand to her face before

laughing and saying, "Ever the gentleman, Chakotay."

"No, I'm just being a good First Officer," he replied, then chuckled softly as he added, "No, it's the truth," and smiled at her, his dimples even more prominent than ever.

She looked at him a long moment, wondering how she could ever forget how handsome he was and then
said, "There's that smile. I never did tell you how it made my knees buckle all the time on Voyager."

He looked surprised and then grinned widely. "Are you kidding? Your knees buckled? Now you tell me,"

he said as he lifted both hands into the air and let them drop limply to his side.

"I didn't dare," she exclaimed. "Besides, if you remember, there was that old bugaboo of protocol."

"How could I forget," he said as the smile disappeared from his face.

Kathryn looked uncomfortable for a moment, and then looking around asked, "Where's Seven?"

Chakotay just shook his head. "I don't know. We ended our relationship two months after we got home."

"Oh Chakotay, I'm so sorry."

"No need. We were mismatched and it was good to find out early on."

"Where is she now?"

"I have no idea. She left Dorvan and I haven't heard one word from her since. I'm surprised she at

least didn't call you to say goodbye. After all, you tried so hard with her."

"No, nothing, and no one else has apparently heard from her either, or I would have been told."

Kathryn shook her head. "Maybe she was afraid to tell me."

"Or just didn't want you to know." He smiled lamely as he quickly added "maybe she felt you would

think of that as a failure."

Kathryn shook her head. "I feel sorry for her Chakotay. Taken by the Borg as a child . . . She never

knew . . . she never had a chance to know humanity."

"As I said, you tried very hard, Kathryn. You did your best and at times there was promise, but . .

." and he just shrugged his shoulders.

Kathryn stared into the distance for a moment, lost in thought and then turned back to Chakotay with

a smile.

"So what have you done in the last fifteen years? You never once contacted me!"

"Nor you me I might add, but as you know I resigned from Starfleet following our debriefings, and

then I just kicked around Dorvan for awhile. Finally I got so restless I signed on with an express

freighter that delivered supplies to various outlying outposts. Did that for a couple of years

actually, and traveled some . . ." He laughed suddenly. "Actually I haven't done much. What about

you?"

She smiled. "Stayed with Starfleet and went out on several more missions . . . and," she said raising

one finger in the air, "I didn't lose my ship, either," and chuckled. "Finally I was promoted to

Admiral and did that for several years and then retired last year. Felt like I was becoming a

stuffed-shirt."

"You said that, not me," said Chakotay and both laughed and then became quiet and almost ill at ease

with one another.

Kathryn looked around at the trees in the park, admiring the view for a few moments and then suddenly

blurted out "Did you ever marry Chakotay?"

Surprised by the bluntness of her question, he stared into her eyes for a long moment, before

answering. "No, I never did."

"That's surprising. A handsome man like you," she said with a smile. "I would think the women of

Dorvan would have been camping at your doorstop. May I ask why not?"

"I think you know the answer to that Kathryn," he said quietly as he stared at her. Kathryn felt as

if he were looking right into her very soul. "What about you, Kathryn? Did you marry?"

She looked off into the distance for a long moment, finally emitted a deep sigh and while shaking her

head said, "No, I never married."

"Why?" Chakotay asked softly.

She sighed again but looked him in the eye as she answered in a husky voice, "I think you know the

answer to that as well."

They both stood staring into each other's eyes, seeing the desire, the question, and then Chakotay

noted sadness in hers. Suddenly Kathryn blinked and then reaching out placed her hand gently on his

face. Chakotay shuddered and tried desperately not to show how her touch affected him

"So then, tell me Chakotay - why didn't you and I ever get together? Was it fate, not meant to be or

what?"

Her question surprised him and he debated an honest answer or just a stock reply. Deciding honesty

was best he smiled. "I tried for almost seven years on Voyager, Kathryn, and I think you knew all

that time how I felt about you, so I think you have to be the one to answer your own question."

Kathryn felt her cheeks get warm and looked down at the ground as she thought back to those years on

Voyager. How the moment he first appeared on her bridge, the immediate attraction she felt for him

while sensing the same reaction from him, the wonderful times they had together on New Earth, how she

had once said, "Three years ago I didn't even know your name and now I can't imagine a day without

you"; how when she got that message from Mark telling her he had given up waiting and married, that

had she let it, shortly thereafter she and Chakotay would have started a relationship - she saw it in

his eyes then, not only the friendship, but the longing, the desire. She thought of the many nights

she lay in her bed wondering if she dared let a relationship with her First Officer commence and had

finally resolved it would have to wait; and then she thought of how devastated and heartbroken she

felt upon learning he had taken up with Seven. She sighed and looked up at him, standing and waiting

ever so patiently for her answer.

"There were times," she started in a very husky voice, "That I was ready to walk into your quarters.

A few nights I even made it to opening my door and ready to step out into the corridor, but always

the voice of Protocol, the voice of Command Structure would stop me. So I finally decided to wait

until we got back to Earth before letting you know my feelings."

"And what if we had never gotten back?" he asked, the intensity of the question startling her.

She shook her head. "I don't know. I just don't know, Chakotay, and I guess we'll never know because

we did make it back and you and Seven . . ." her voice trailed off, not finishing the sentence.

He grabbed both her shoulders tightly. "Seven would never have happened if you had at least told me

you cared! I would have waited for you forever!"

"You know very well I couldn't tell you I loved you, not while we were on Voyager!" she fired back.

Chakotay stared at her, not sure what he had heard or if he should question it, but in his mind he

was sure she had said the word love.

They stared intently at each other for a few moments until finally Kathryn broke the electricity of

the moment by looking away and watching the people in the park. His hands dropped to his side in

frustration and as he shook his head, he emitted a soft groan.

"What?" asked Kathryn softly as she looked back at him.

He just rubbed his forehead without answering.

Sensing his frustration she said, "Chakotay . . . you didn't let me know you weren't with Seven. If

you had done that . . ." she started lamely.

He looked up, his eyes flashing in anger. "What Kathryn? If I had done that, what would have

happened?"

"I . . ."

"Nothing. Nothing would have happened, and you know it!" he interrupted. "You went back out on

missions. You were married to Starfleet, Kathryn, and not interested in me or you would have at least

made a friendly 'hello' call sometime and then you would have known Seven and I were no longer

together!" He stared at her, anger burning in his eyes and then turned and walked to the nearby bench

and sat down, placing his elbows on his knees as he covered his face with both hands. He heard her

approach and then felt the warmness of her body as she sat down beside him.

Gently she took one of his hands from his face. "Look at me Chakotay." As he finally leaned back and

looked at her, she was shocked to see such sadness in those warm brown eyes.

He suddenly smiled contritely. "I'm sorry, Kathryn," he said while emitting another large sigh. "It's

taken me all these years to get you out of my mind, out of my system, to forget I cared for you and

then seeing you today . . . the feelings as well as the resentment of never having you just surfaced.

I apologize for my tone and anger. It was uncalled for."

Kathryn smiled, a gentle, caring smile, as only she could do. "It's I who should apologize, Chakotay.

You're right. I didn't call, and I should have, but I didn't because - well . . . mainly because I

was afraid."

"Afraid? Our mighty Captain Janeway who deliberately walked into Borg cubes afraid? That doesn't seem

possible. Afraid of what Kathryn?"

She looked at him a moment before answering and then softly said, "I was afraid to see you happy with

Seven and know in my heart that should have been me, all right? I wanted to call you Chakotay, I

really did, but . . ." she stopped trying to explain, feeling she was just making things worse and

leaned back, giving a combination groan and sigh, and then both became very quiet.

Chakotay suddenly chuckled. "This reminds me of our argument about working with the Borg."

"Or my anger at you for going out after Seska on your own that time," she added with a grin.

Chakotay nodded as he remembered her calling him into her Ready Room after he had been rescued. "You

have no idea. . . I have never told you how your disappointment in my actions that time hurt me . . .

it hurt so bad! I was ashamed I had disappointed you. I wanted nothing but to serve you and be your

best First Officer and then I pulled a stunt like that."

She patted his hand and smiled. "I wasn't aware of that. I didn't realize that hurt you that much. I

should have used that tactic more often," she laughed.

She suddenly leaned her head down onto his shoulder as if it were the most natural thing in the

world. Chakotay stiffened and swallowed but did not move away.

"Despite everything we had some good times on Voyager, didn't we?" she said huskily.

"Very good times Kathryn."

"I loved our midnight sails on Lake George and when you didn't ask I always felt so disappointed. I

even enjoyed the time you tipped over the boat and got us both soaking wet!"

"I didn't tip the boat. You suddenly stood up!" complained Chakotay.

"You deliberately rocked the boat when I stood trying to dump me into the water!"

"I did not!"

"Did, too!" she said with a loud laugh.

"Oh yeah, I forgot the Captain is always right," he said with a chuckle.

"Not always," she said softly, but not soft enough as Chakotay heard it and looked down at her. Her

eyes were staring into his and as she realized he had heard her, she immediately turned her head away

and looked up at the sky.

Chakotay cleared his throat. "I didn't know you were disappointed when I didn't ask you to go

sailing. I would have liked to ask you every night, but there were so many times you turned me down,

I guess I got a little paranoid."

She raised her head to look at him. "I never turned you down,"

"Yes you did, so many times I lost count."

"Well I never turned you down personally, Chakotay, you know that. It was always ships business if I

did."

"I guess," he said absently.

"There was also something else I looked forward too," she said softly as she once again laid her head

on his shoulder.

"What was that?"

"I also looked forward to our dinners together, even though we mostly discussed business. It was

pleasant having you there, in an informal situation."

Chakotay just smiled and nodded his head as he thought back to those dinners, how sometimes Kathryn

had soft music playing in the background and candles lit on the table and how sometimes she sat right

beside him, touching him, as if she might actually be making an invitation. He never made a move,

however, because if her intentions were not meant that way, if all she was doing was being friendly,

his butt would be in a sling. He chuckled softly.

"What?" asked Kathryn

"Oh," he said shaking his head. "I was just thinking back to the dinners and your constant arguments

with the replicator."

She snickered. "You weren't supposed to remember that."

"How could I forget? You constantly had a difference of opinion with that machine!"

"I did, didn't I?" Both laughed heartily at that memory and then they fell into an elongated stretch

of silence until finally Kathryn spoke.

"I never did tell you how jealous I was when you fell in love with Kellin."

"Who?"

"Kellin! Don't you remember? You wrote several pages about your great love for her."

"Sorry," he said shaking his head. "I don't remember any Kellin. Must have been a dream or a Holo

novel I was writing." He then chuckled. "I wish I did remember and then knew you were jealous. So,

anybody else you were jealous of?"

She slipped her arm through his and then interlaced her fingers through his. "Several," she said

softly.

"Really?" he said looking down at her. "Who?"

"Oh let's see, there was Riley, and then Valerie somebody and . . ."

"Kathryn! Valerie was Species 8472! And Riley was Borg and assimilated me, used me! Surely you

weren't jealous of them!"

She laughed out loud. "I was! Silly isn't it when you look back on that."

"Well as long as you're confessing I guess I can say I was very jealous of that Inspector Kashyk guy.

You were so mesmerized by him it made me furious. He was a murderer, yet I had never seen you so

vitalized, so energized as you were in his presence!"

"Oh Chakotay I didn't love him. I was attracted yes, but it was the mental game we were playing that

was so challenging! I did feel invigorated by his mind." She giggled. "I'm glad to hear you were

jealous. I didn't know that, as you never seemed to show that trait."

They both became quiet again. Chakotay wanted to lean his cheek against the top of Kathryn's hair but

didn't. She wiggled her head into a more comfortable position and her hair tickled his neck and one

tuft flipped up across his mouth. He pursed his lips and blew it aside without moving.

"It's very quiet here in the park today. Have you come here before?" she asked.

"No it's the first time I've been here. I almost didn't - I have a transport to catch and time to

kill so just wandered around and found it."

"I'm glad. Maybe it was fate after all, my seeing you," she said softly.

Chakotay didn't answer. His heart was beginning to beat faster at her close presence and position and

he silently cursed himself for giving into his feelings for her again.

He sat quietly as his thoughts drifted back to those years on Voyager, to being stranded on that

planet and unable to start a fire and only getting a fire going by using some of Kathryn's hair. He

thought of how he destroyed his ship without question to save Voyager because he had that innate

sense that this Captain would get everyone home, and he also thought of their battles with the Borg

and Kathryn's stubborn determination to work with them, with the result of having Seven of Nine

become part of the crew and how eventually it was actually the Borg, that unknowingly helped them get

home. But mostly his thoughts turned to New Earth. He thought of how close he and Kathryn were

becoming until that damned call came from Tuvok.

"Penny for your thoughts," said Kathryn.

He was startled as the sound of her voice broke his reverie. "Actually I was thinking about our time

on New Earth."

She smiled and sighed contentedly. "I was really happy there, whether you believe it or not. I was

looking forward to you building that boat and having trips down the river until Tuvok's call

interrupted that."

"That's not all he interrupted," mumbled Chakotay under his breath but Kathryn heard it.

"I know," she said softly. Suddenly she looked up. "How long, do you think?"

"How long what?"

"How long would you guess before . . . before it would have happened?"

"Probably never," he laughed. "You were so determined to hold out."

She rose up and looked at him, indignation spreading across her face. "I'll have you know mister

smarty pants it would only have been a couple more days. I was actually planning on it happening on

our first boat trip!" Suddenly her face turned beet red as Chakotay's eyes became big as saucers.

"Damn that Tuvok," he said softly as Kathryn quickly sat down, ducked her head and placed it on his

shoulder once again.

An awkward silence ensued for several minutes until finally Chakotay checked his chronometer. "It's

about time I left for the transport hub to catch my ship."

"Oh," said Kathryn, the disappointment clearly in the sound of her voice. She straightened and looked

at him, but he merely stood and held out a hand to assist her up.

"You can catch another transport. You can go home tomorrow," she suggested.

"I really have some important business to attend to, Kathryn."

"Oh," she said again her face now etched in deep disappointment.

"It's been great seeing you again," he said with a warm smile.

"It's been wonderful seeing you my dear Chakotay. Maybe we can see each other again sometime."

He nodded and gave her a quick hug, mentioning he couldn't do that before as her First Officer, and

then as he turned said, "If you see any of the old crew give them a big hello from me," and he almost

reluctantly started walking away. He had only taken about eight steps when suddenly the hairs on the

back of his neck stood on end and he knew she was still looking at him. He turned and looked back.

Kathryn was standing in the same place with a very forlorn look on her face.

"Don't go, Chakotay," she whispered. "Don't leave me - not now - not after what we've said today."

He stared at her, his heart beating so loud he was sure she must hear it. He couldn't believe what he

was hearing!

"Please," she asked.

Chakotay moved quickly back to her and as he engulfed her in a tight hug, heard her say again, "Don't

leave me."

"I do have to get back, Kathryn," he said in a husky voice.

"There are always other Transports. Tomorrow, you can go home tomorrow. Please stay?"

"You make it very hard for a man to say no."

"Then don't say no. Stay. I have an extra bedroom in my home that you can use. I just want to talk to

you some more, be with you and reminisce some more. I've missed you very much."

Chakotay stared down into those blue eyes that seemed to shimmer with a touch of wetness right now

and without realizing he was doing it, suddenly bent his head and kissed her.

She responded and kissed him back, her arms sliding up around his neck and one hand going through the

back of his hair and holding his head down. The kiss intensified and he pulled her tight against him

and again she responded, pushing her body hard against his, moving, grinding until she felt movement

in his lower region and groaned softly.

Chakotay broke the kiss and stared intently at her. She smiled shyly.

"We could never even hold hands on Voyager and here we are almost making out in broad daylight in a

park," she said and started laughing.

He smiled but didn't move. Actually he didn't dare until he 'calmed' down, but that would be hard to

do with Kathryn still holding her body tight against his.

"Like I said, you make it hard for a man to say no."

"I know I'm old Chakotay, but we have virtually admitted we still care for each other. Why else did

we never marry someone else? Because in our hearts we knew there was only one person for us. I know

I'm being very forward, but we have a second chance now. Let's not lose it again. Fate happened today

. . . let's embrace it for all the years we have left!"

He smiled. "I'd much rather embrace you, Kathryn," he said as he again placed his arms around her.

"And you're not old, I already told you that. Grey hair doesn't mean a thing."

She giggled softly into his shoulder. "I'm glad to hear you say that because I may look old, but I

can honestly tell you this . . . there is still fire in this body."

Chakotay grinned, his dimples looking like Grand Canyon, as he pulled his head back. "Does it need

putting out?"

"Definitely," and she smiled that smile that always made Chakotay feel like a limp rag. "But I can

assure you, it's going to take a lot to put this fire out."

"I'm glad to hear it," he said as he turned, and placing one arm around her shoulders started

walking. "Let's see, you said you had an extra bedroom . . .?"

Kathryn laughed out loud. "Yes, but I'm afraid it's unavailable at the present time."

"I see. That only means one thing then."

"Right."


Finis
December 2001

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