Disclaimer: Paramount owns all things Trek. No infringement intended I'm just borrowing some of the characters for my story.

Where My Heart Is

by Dee Price


Kathryn sat in her chair staring solemnly out the window, taking little notice of her garden or flowers. A single tear coursed its way down her cheek and occasionally an audible sob broke the silence. Her mind was totally on the past. How could she have been so dispassionate and foolish, so heartless! She leaned forward and picking up her cup of coffee took a sip, then placed the cup back down and dabbed at her eyes.

"You brought ten years of misery on to yourself and now you have the unmitigated gall to sit here and feel sorry for yourself," she grumbled as she brushed another tear from her cheek. Voyager had arrived home ten years ago and Chakotay had subsequently walked out of her life.

Now she was dying, having been told yesterday she has approximately three months to live She had searched ten years for Chakotay, without success, and it was now all too apparent she would never be able to tell him how much she loved him and how terribly sorry she was for how she had behaved upon their arrival home.

Heaving a big sigh she leaned back and continued gazing out the window as she once again relived the events that happened when they arrived back at Earth. Starfleet had greeted them with much fanfare and immediately whisked her off the ship before she had a chance to say anything to her crew or Chakotay. She became embroiled in a whirlwind of activity as Starfleet rushed her from one place to another for two weeks. The media made much of her bringing the ship and crew home safely and had labeled her "Captain Hero." Wherever she appeared she was hailed as the hero of Voyager and unfortunately, and to this day she couldn't understand the how and why of it happening, but she got caught up in it and in her speeches the word 'family' and 'we' gradually had been replaced with 'I'.

At the beginning of the third week following their arrival, the previously announced Welcoming Home Party took place, but even then Starfleet kept her distanced from the crew, bringing her in only for a brief five minute ceremony then quickly taking her away.

When the crew caught sight of her entrance they had surged toward the stage, with some calling out her name and everyone smiling at finally seeing their Captain. But she did not acknowledge the calls, keeping her mind on the speakers, and soon the calls and smiles disappeared, replaced by questioning frowns.. At one point she caught sight of Chakotay in the crowd and gave a tight smile and raised her hand to him, but he just stood staring at her with his hands on his hips and great sadness in his eyes. When Janeway left the party, loud grumbling amongst the crew started, and many of them also left, not because of the hour but in great disgust.

It was a full month before the media blitz and Starfleet's relentless parade of civic meetings, parades, honors and promotions of her accomplishment started to ease up. Once she was alone only then did she recognize how selfish she had been and that she had actually deserted her crew. Angry with herself and full of guilt and remorse that she had allowed her ego to take over, and that she could have turned so thoughtless, she quickly set out to make amends.

Chakotay was the first person she tried to contact but he was nowhere to be found. No matter where or to whom in Starfleet she inquired, she received the same response, "I have no idea," "Haven't seen him," or "Our records do not show his whereabouts."

She switched to trying to find her senior staff and members of the crew . . . they would know his whereabouts she was sure. But as with her inquiries regarding Chakotay, she received much the same response. "They were on leave," "That person has resigned," or "I do not know their present situation." She was shocked. She couldn't make contact with anyone!

The only bit of information she had finally gleaned was that Tuvok had resigned immediately following the party and returned to Vulcan. It became painfully apparent to her that the entire crew had dispersed and she hadn't thanked them for a job well done or even told them how proud she was of them.

It was only dumb luck she had bumped into Tom and B'Elanna one day while shopping and greeted them enthusiastically, but their cool attitude quickly led to an awkward, stiff scene. Finally she asked about Chakotay, but B'Elanna, with her arms folded across her chest, just shrugged her shoulders and replied, "Haven't seen him since the party."

Kathryn was quick to see no salutation of "Captain" included in any of the conversation and if not sure before, it was terribly obvious now that she had committed a tremendous faux pas by ignoring her crew when they arrived back at Earth. She should have ignored Starfleet and taken care of her family, she groused to herself, momentarily interrupting her present reverie.

Shortly after this encounter she was asked to take another assignment, but refused, saying she needed more time off and immediately asked for and was granted a Leave of Absence. Grabbing the first available shuttle she headed for Vulcan to talk to Tuvok, only to find upon her arrival he was not there. T'Pel informed her in that cool detached Vulcan voice that Tuvok was on Retreat and would not be back for three months. Even though T'Pel said she would inform Tuvok of her visit, Kathryn felt quite strongly, despite Tuvok being a good friend, that she would not receive any response.

Three more months passed by, and aside from that chance encounter with Tom and B'Elanna, she had been unable to contact any of her crew. Discouraged and depressed, she resigned herself to the fact she was going to have to suffer from her own stupidity and decided to rescind the remainder of her leave and waited for an assignment.

A week later while sitting in the temporary office Starfleet had arranged for her, a rapping at the door roused her out of her doldrums. There stood Neelix! Not only that, he actually seemed happy to see her. They talked about little things for a few minutes before Kathryn asked if he knew the whereabouts of any crewmember.

Neelix frowned and his countenance became solemn.

"Afraid not, Captain." Looking at her he hesitated and Kathryn could see he was debating on something. Finally, as Neelix was always prone to do, he forged ahead.

"If I may, Captain, I would like to say we were all terribly hurt and disappointed at the way you ignored everyone when we got back. We all talked, 'Oh yes, Starfleet is keeping her busy today but tomorrow she will talk to us', but you never did. Day after day passed by and not a word came from you, so unlike you it was. But the party was the worst when you didn't mingle or talk to anyone . . ."

Kathryn quickly interrupted with "They were keeping me very busy, Neelix, I . . ."

"Twenty-four hours a day, Captain?" he interjected.

"No," she admitted, realizing how hollow that had sounded. "There were times I could have made the effort, but I was so tired and would tell myself I'll contact them tomorrow."

"And tomorrow still hasn't come, Captain," he said sadly.

"I tried, Neelix, when all the hoopla died down, I tried very hard. For the last three months I have tried everything and every means at my disposal to find people."

"I guess the saying 'Too little too late' applies then doesn't it?"

She looked at him, fighting the lump that was forming in her throat while at the same time feeling completely engulfed by her guilty conscience. After a few moments of silence, she nodded.

"May I ask that if at any time you see anyone to please tell them I have tried to contact them and ask them to contact me?" She hesitated a moment and then added, "Or at least let me know so I can make contact?"

"Of course, Captain, but I must caution you not to get your hopes up too high, at least not for awhile. You have some pretty disillusioned people. You don't spend seven years with a group, engage in life or death situations together, socialize, call them family and then dump them overnight"

"I understand and they have every right to feel that way. I came off looking pretty selfish didn't I?"

"I'm afraid so, and even though we knew it was not at all like you, that it was not the Captain Janeway we had all known for seven years, it still hurt us all very much, Captain."

Kathryn nodded and glanced out the window for a moment or two. Finally looking back at Neelix she cleared her throat and asked, "Have you seen or heard where Chakotay might be?"

Neelix' face clouded and he looked directly at her. He knew full well this question would come up sooner or later and he took a deep breath before answering.

"The only thing I know is that he left the party immediately after you did, and no one has seen or heard of him since. He just disappeared!"

Kathryn got the strange feeling that Neelix knew the reason for Chakotay's disappearance, but at the same time it was likely he did not know where he was, so she elected to not pursue the subject.

After Neelix left, and temporarily buoyed by his visit, Kathryn decided to put out more inquiries and feelers regarding any crewmember, but knew deep inside there would only be negative responses and more disappointment. Two days later she received an assignment, a short two- month mission on the Starship Franklin, a mission "to get your feet wet with a new ship and crew" is the way Starfleet had expressed it, and then shortly after returning from this was sent out on a two year mission. She gladly accepted, as this would keep her mind busy.

As with her two-month mission, she had, at every planet at which they stopped, and with every ship they met, and after all business had been completed with each, put forth her inquiries for information. At least word would be getting around she was asking, but more and more her guilt feelings gnawed at her very core.

Upon her return, Starfleet deemed the mission a success and she received time off to relax. During this time she tried dating, but could never feel serious about any of these gentlemen. Her heart was with Chakotay, he was her one true love and she invariably compared and found dissatisfaction with the man, or ended the relationship soon after it started.

Five years went by with Kathryn being assigned various missions and gradually she started finding and making contact with a few crewmembers. With each she deeply apologized, expressing her regret on 'deserting' her crew, and although a trifle stiff upon seeing her, they appeared to accept her apology even though she could still see hurt in their eyes, but the one she searched for the hardest remained elusive.

On one mission she had the pleasant surprise of coming across the Starship Columbia and saw Harry Kim. He was a Lt. Commander now and married and although she and Harry spent several hours together he could give no information on Chakotay. The only people he really had contact with were Tom and B'Elanna, who were now married and had one child, a girl they had named Kathryn, after her. Tears immediately welled up in her eyes when she heard that and conversation became difficult for a few minutes.

Harry had finally eased the silence with "So you see Captain, things are gradually getting better. Just give the crew more time. They loved you too much to stay bitter or disillusioned for too long."

Kathryn could only nod and whisper hoarsely, "I hope you're right, Harry."

Returning from this mission she became deeply depressed and disillusioned and abruptly resigned from active duty for Starfleet and took an Ambassadorial position. She remained in this capacity for almost four years and near the end of her fourth year had occasion to go to Vulcan and while there managed to get together with Tuvok. Pouring her heart out to him, as well as a few tears she had tried desperately to hide what with his disdain of emotions, she apologized for her behavior, begged his forgiveness and asked his counsel.

"I was but one of 141 crewmembers on Voyager, Captain," he had said. "It is apparent you are in much internal agony and I must add from your appearance, physical grief as well, over what happened. You have obviously carried this guilt with you now for nine years. I feel you are truly sorry, but it appears you must first cleanse your soul before you feel any relief. What is done cannot be undone. You must live with that error and go on with your life. I do, however, if it makes you feel better, forgive you for your breach of protocol and wish you success in your future endeavors." Then his frown disappeared and he added softly, "May you find the Commander and live long and prosper."

A few weeks after her return from Vulcan she had suffered a mild heart attack. Stress is what the Doctor diagnosed, but she knew the real cause. She was a broken, dispirited woman, not the Kathryn Janeway everyone knew, and the guilt she carried within her heart had finally taken its toll, not to mention her heartache at her unsuccessful nine-year search for Chakotay.

Following Kathryn's release from the hospital she resigned the Ambassadorship, retired from Starfleet, and had spent the last year puttering around with her garden and flowers. She had little contact with Starfleet during that time and few visitors. Harry would drop by occasionally and one day he even brought Tom and B'Elanna. At first awkward, they soon resumed a friendly conversation and when leaving, B'Elanna had suddenly hugged Kathryn and said they would stay in touch.

Kathryn briefly smiled as she remembered that time, until she thought of yesterday and a deep frown creased her forehead. She had not been feeling well and decided to see the Doctor. Tests revealed the 'bug' she and Chakotay had picked up on New Earth and thought to be eradicated by the Vidiian's medicine, had actually lain dormant all this time and had now reared its ugly head once more. One problem, it had mutated and Starfleet did not have any treatment for this re-occurrence.

Her death sentence pronounced she had gone home and fallen back into a depression, not from the fact she was going to die, but because she had not found Chakotay. She sat in her kitchen chair, all of her thoughts centered on him. He would never know how hard and long she had tried to find him, how much, how very, very much she loved him. He totally had her heart and was her one true love, a fact that she had recognized years ago even when unable to do anything about it. Now he would not know and might even be dead for all she knew, but she fervently prayed that not be the case.

Reaching down she picked up the coffee, took a sip and immediately made a face. It was cold. Turning to the end table beside the chair, she put the cup down and picked up the only picture she had of Chakotay and sat staring at it for a very long time. Suddenly she heard a light rapping on the front door and feeling it was the neighbor boy, ignored it.

Ten minutes later her housekeeper walked out of the kitchen and told Kathryn she was finished cleaning, but that the soup and toast were ready.

"Thank you Mattie, you are most kind."

"You're welcome Miss Janeway, but are you sure that is all you want?" After seeing only a nod she continued, "All right, but don't wait too long. You know you don't like cold soup."

Kathryn smiled, slowly rose and headed for the kitchen as Mattie put on her coat and left.

After finishing her soup, Kathryn decided to go outside before it got too dark and look at her flowers. The neighbor kept telling her how beautiful they were and as she stood there she tried inhaling the fragrance but started coughing instead. She stood for a moment while getting her breath back and finally wandered over to a bench and sat down. As dusk started to settle in, she sighed, rose and walked back inside, leaving the back door open for fresh air. Heading for her usual chair she decided against turning on the light, picked up Chakotay's picture again and clutching it to her breast leaned back and closed her eyes.

She opened her eyes with a start, realizing she had dozed for a few minutes, but wondered what had awakened her. Finally she heard a rapping at the back door and thinking it was the neighbor boy still trying to check and see if she wanted anything from the store called out, "I don't need anything Toby, go on your way." Not hearing any answer she again leaned back and closed her eyes.

The quiet was broken as she heard footsteps in the kitchen and remembering she had left the door open felt momentary fear, which was soon replaced with the thought, "Oh well, I'm dying anyway, maybe it will be sooner rather than later," and sat waiting and watching the kitchen door.

The figure of a man appeared in the doorway and just stood there. With the backlight from the door she could not see who it was.

"If you're here to rob me take what you want, but I have very little. And if you are here to kill me be quick about it."

The man moved forward, but instead of attacking her, grabbed a chair, placed it in front of her and sat down.

Even in the dim light of the room she could see he had long black hair below his shoulders and a face full of whiskers.

"Who are you and what is it you want?" she asked in a quiet, but firm voice.

He did not make a sound, just sat and stared at her.

Kathryn stared back. The eyes seemed familiar but it was difficult to see with the darkness of the room and all that hair falling across his face. Suddenly she leaned forward and reaching out pushed the hair away from his forehead and there it was . . . the tattoo!

She sat stunned for a moment then whispered, "Chakotay!"

A familiar vice responded, "Kathryn."

Oh my God, Chakotay! I thought I would never see you again," she cried out. "I have tried so hard to find you. Where did you go? Why did you leave me?"

His eyes hardened and he said in a bitter though soft tone, "Leave you, Kathryn? I didn't leave you, no one left you. You left me -- you left all of us."

Anguish flooded her eyes and she reached a hand to his face. "I'm so sorry! You will never know how sorry I am. I know my actions were selfish and thoughtless and that I got caught up in everything, but afterwards I realized what I had done and tried so hard to contact you. Not a day has gone by over these last ten years that I haven't thought of you or tried to find you!" Then her lower lip started to tremble and ten years of bottled up, repressed tears broke loose and she started to cry until she was sobbing uncontrollably.

Chakotay sat quietly watching Kathryn cry for a few minutes, but did not make any effort to console her. Finally he stood, and putting his arms under her legs and around her back lifted Kathryn and carried her over to the sofa and sat down, cradling her in his lap and both arms wrapped tightly around her.

"Get it all out Kathryn. Cleanse your soul," he said gently.

After what seemed an extended period of time, Kathryn started to get control. Lifting her tear stained face she looked up at him. Placing her hand on his cheek she whispered, "I tried so hard to find you Chakotay, I really did, to tell you how sorry I was and that I love you so much. Where did you go?"

Sadness flooded his eyes as he thought back. "White Rain, Lopez and I left the party right after you did and went up into the mountains of the Northwest and lived there for three years."

"Three years?" she asked as he handed her a handkerchief to wipe her eyes.

"Yes, we felt quite strongly that we needed to cleanse our souls, to rejuvenate our spirits and to once again be in harmony with the earth."

Kathryn thought a moment then said, "Three years . . . I had gotten back from my two year mission shortly before that. What did you do then?"

"We came back here and I managed to tap into a Starfleet data base, trying to see what had happened to you. However, I came upon a picture of you with a Captain, and the caption at the bottom said he was your boyfriend, so I figured you had moved on with your life. The three of us then managed to scrounge up a second hand shuttle and flew to Dorvan to see our old village."

"He wasn't my boyfriend, Chakotay," she said emphatically. "I tried dating for awhile, but it was no use, my mind was always on you." Then she made a small attempt at smiling and added "Word must have finally spread to 'stay away from Janeway, she loves that Chakotay fellow' because all calls stopped after awhile."

Chakotay looked at her as Kathryn added, "I love you so much, Chakotay. I'm so sorry I never told you on Voyager, always keeping you at arm's distance even though I knew I cared . . . that we both cared." Chakotay found himself subconsciously tightening his arms around her.

Kathryn watched him for a moment then asked, "What about your trip to your village, and that's only three years, what about the last seven?"

Chakotay finally smiled, and said, "As to seeing our village, it was a healing to go there, Kathryn. The land has reclaimed the Village, and everything is lush and green with flora and fauna and all the scars and atrocities are now hidden. We spent three days there and then just wandered for a bit. Finally we signed on with a freighter that delivered supplies to various planets and outposts."

"But why didn't I find that out in my inquiries?" she exclaimed.

"We didn't use our real names, because we still weren't sure about the Starfleet/Maquis relationship."

He shifted her in his lap a little then continued. "We did that for about four years. Once we even stopped at Vulcan for two days and I looked up Tuvok. Our relationship on Voyager was never close and I wanted him to know how much I respected him."

Kathryn's head jerked up. "I saw Tuvok a little over a year ago and he never mentioned seeing you!"

"I asked him not to say anything, Kathryn, and you know Vulcan's, their word is ironclad."

"I just kept missing you," she whispered as she laid her head back on his shoulder. "What about the last three years?"

"Well after we got tired of working on the freighter we went back up into the mountains and built a home," and then looking down at her he stopped talking and slipped one arm under her legs and stood, turned, and placed her back down on the couch. Alarm filled Kathryn's eyes.

"I have to leave for a little while, but I'll be back," and he turned and started walking towards the kitchen.

"No Chakotay! Don't leave me, please don't leave me!" she cried out.

He quickly returned, knelt at her feet and taking her hands in his squeezed reassuringly.

"I'll be back, I promise." Again he rose and walked quickly into the kitchen. Kathryn, fearful and desperate not to lose Chakotay, struggled to her feet and had taken three steps when she heard other voices in the kitchen. Chakotay walked back into the room, followed by White Rain and Lopez.

"Oh my Brothers," Kathryn cried out as she walked towards them, and as she grasped each of their forearms in the traditional greeting said, "I have missed you both so much."

White Rain gave his familiar grunt, which made Kathryn smile. "It is good to see you again, Kathryn," and Lopez echoed this statement.

Chakotay glanced at White Rain and then at Kathryn. "I'll be back in an hour and turned and left. Kathryn cried out his name but White Rain squeezed her arm and said gently, "Chakotay will be back my Sister, I promise you."

Kathryn looked at him and immediately the fear left her and she relaxed. White Rain indicated the couch and all three sat down.

True to his word, Chakotay returned in an hour, nodded his head to his brothers, said "It's out front and all loaded," and both men immediately left the house.

Chakotay looked at Kathryn for a moment, suddenly walked to where she was standing and wrapped his arms around her in a fierce hug. Kathryn returned the hug even more fiercely and they stood silently engulfed in each other for several minutes.

Finally she pulled her head back and looking into Chakotay's eyes whispered "I'm dying, Chakotay."

His eyes clouded with anguish as he nodded his head and replied in a barely audible voice, "I know."

"You do?"

"Yes, as fate would have it we came into town last night . . . I had decided I wanted to find you . . . and literally bumped into Harry at the docking station." Chakotay grinned at the memory, "He didn't recognize me, and I had to convince him it was me. Anyway he told me. He had just been to the Doctor for his annual physical and was heading out on another mission at that moment. He also said he felt terrible he couldn't call you but his orders didn't give him time. However, he said he planned on sending a message later."

Suddenly Chakotay scooped Kathryn up in his arms and headed for the door. Stepping outside he moved quickly towards the Shuttle and up the ramp, and carefully placed her on a makeshift bed. As he straightened he said, "I'll get you some clothes. Anything in particular you want?"

She shook her head no but said, "All I want is the picture of you by my chair."

"Why do you want a picture of me when you have the real thing?" he chuckled as he walked back down the ramp. Returning in a few minutes with an armload of clothes he threw them on the floor in a corner.

Kathryn smirked. "Are you always such a neat packer?"

"Always," he grinned as he walked forward, said a few words to White Rain and Lopez and came back towards her as the ramp door closed, sealed shut and the Shuttle lifted off.

"You need to rest, it will be a little while," he said as he lay down beside her and pulled her to him.

As Kathryn snuggled against him she asked, "Where are we going, my love?"

"Home" he said lovingly, "We're going home."

Smiling she started to place her cheek against his and pulled back.

"Those whiskers scratch."

Chakotay looked at her. "Are you going to start nagging me already? Okay, okay, just for you I will not only shave it off I will cut my hair when we get home." Then he looked at her quizzically. "Aren't you going to ask where 'home' is?"

She gave a vigorous shake of her head. "I don't care where it is as long as I spend my last days with you." He immediately tightened his arms around her.

*******

Two hours later the shuttle slowed then started to descend, gently landing amongst a grove of Fir trees. During the trip Kathryn refused to nap and kept touching Chakotay as if making sure it wasn't a dream, and when he dozed off for a few minutes, she lay and just looked at him with adoring, radiant eyes.

As the Shuttle settled and the door opened Chakotay stood, helped Kathryn to her feet and together they walked down the ramp. She looked around at all the tall trees and smiled excitedly at Chakotay as they started up a path. Fifty yards later they emerged into a clearing, where a house and a nearby cabin stood. Kathryn stopped and took in everything, smiling all the while.

"It's beautiful, Chakotay! So serene and peaceful and I can hear water and even birds singing!"

Chakotay took her on a tour of the grounds, showing her the nearby stream, the flower garden they had planted and which was in full bloom, the secluded bench seat that had the view of not only the garden but the evening sunset and nearby mountains. After telling her there was even a spot in back of the house where she could "muck around in the dirt" if she wanted to plant a vegetable garden, he took her inside and let her rest while he went back for her clothes.

Returning in a few moments he walked into the bedroom, with Kathryn following, and threw the clothes on the bed. Both of them laughed at how neat he was, and Kathryn said she better get them hung up and put away before they have permanent wrinkles.

Chakotay left to help White Rain and Lopez unload the supplies while Kathryn set about hanging up and arranging the closet, then sat down and waited. Twenty minutes later she heard Chakotay walk in and as she stood and turned her head she saw him appear in the bedroom doorway.

Placing her hands on her hips she exclaimed with a big smile, "Well sir, you look very familiar."

Chakotay grinned, his dimples prominent. His face was now clean-shaven and his hair was cut, still a little longer than what she was used to seeing, but now just below the ears. She walked over to him and they held each other in their arms for some time, then Chakotay cupped her chin with his thumb and forefinger, tilted her head up, and for the first time they kissed, a long tender kiss, that kept increasing in passion as the seconds ticked by. As they pulled apart Chakotay tightened his arms around her and looked lovingly into her eyes.

Then he whispered, "I love you Kathryn, with all my heart."

"Oh Chakotay, my dearest," she murmured, tears forming in the corner of her eyes, "How could you possibly love me after what I did?"

"You hurt me, sweetheart, and everyone else, but I never once stopped loving you. You have always had my heart and you always will. You are my life. Besides," he added tenderly, "Your guilt feelings have more than taken their toll on you and it's about time you forgave yourself."

"I can't. I will live with that awful behavior always. I . . ."

Chakotay placed a finger over her lips to stop her talking. "No Kathryn. Now is the time to step away from that," he said as he again kissed her. "This is not the time to wallow in guilt. We are together now, and we need to enjoy the time we have."

She looked at him a moment not saying anything, then lay her head on his chest and tightened her arms around him. He was her lifeline, her love, and her pillar of strength now, and she silently vowed to enjoy every minute with him.

They spent the rest of the day exploring the grounds, had dinner at the cabin with White Rain and Lopez, and then watched the sunset from the bench and where Kathryn promptly termed it "Our quiet place."

After the sun set, they talked for a little while, eventually went inside their home, and soon went to bed. After an awkward, almost shy few moments, they made love. Chakotay, concerned about her physical situation, was very gentle, almost afraid, as he carefully entered her and was gratified to hear her moans of ecstasy. But Kathryn, sensing his apprehension gently chided him.

"I am not a fragile Porcelain Doll that will break at the slightest touch, my dearest."

Chakotay kissed her and murmured in her ear, "I don't want to hurt you. All I want is to please you."

"And you are my darling, you are. Just love me, Chakotay, love me with all your heart", she whispered.

And so it was that they spent their days walking, laughing, wading in the stream and splashing water on each other like little children. They also spent a great deal of time with White Rain and Lopez, who themselves were reluctant to intrude knowing the lack of time that remained. They spent each evening sitting in their quiet place just talking and watching the sunset; then at night they made love, an act that increased in passion and intensity as they explored and grew to know each other's body.

At the end of three months, Kathryn's supposed timeline, she was still feeling well, much to Chakotay's delight. At the end of six months she felt like a vibrant, well woman. Whether the clear, fresh, mountain air, or being with and loved by Chakotay brought about the change, neither cared. Kathryn was still going strong!

Their conversations in their quiet place were always a source of delight to Kathryn. Ever inquisitive, she discovered, as Chakotay had explained it, that he drove White Rain and Lopez nuts during those ten years they were apart . . . 'always pining for his Kathryn', and it was their insistence to build the home and then 'go get your woman.' Both Kathryn and Chakotay laughed at that.

Chakotay continued the story that when they arrived at the docking base, he was trying to find her address when the chance encounter with Harry had occurred, and Harry had given him the address all the while grinning in pure glee that Chakotay was going to see Kathryn, especially now in light of the news of the re-occurrence of the 'bug'.

One day she asked Chakotay why White Rain and Lopez had never married. Chakotay had replied with a sad look in his eyes, "White Rain did marry and had a son, and Lopez was betrothed to a young lady he had known since childhood. One day White Rain's wife and son and Lopez' fiancée went on an outing and all three died in a boating accident. White Rain was never interested in taking another mate, and Lopez was so distraught about losing his woman he never considered anyone else."

This saddened Kathryn and she cuddled deeper in Chakotay's arms. "They never once mentioned that to me, even that time on the planet Durack when they saved my life and told their stories."

"It isn't anything they talk about, sweetheart. And they have achieved a deep companionship and trust of one another and are happy with their lives, and that's all we should be concerned about."

Just then Kathryn raised her head and looked around. At Chakotay's questioning look she said, "I thought I saw something over there. Is it an animal?"

Chakotay smiled. "No, it's just White Rain checking on us. You just haven't seen either of them before, but they are around us most of the time, making sure we are all right." Then Chakotay chuckled out loud, "White Rain is getting old and careless for you to catch his movement."

"Don't tell him, sweetheart," said Kathryn giggling.

"Just try and stop me! I'm not going to let him forget, just like they teased the devil out of me about you lying down with Lopez when he was sick on that planet."

Both laughed as they remembered that time, then Kathryn shivered.

Chakotay immediately stood. "It's cold, we best go inside," and taking her hand they walked back up the path and once inside he built a fire and they sat and dreamily watched the flames dance to their own tune.

During the eighth month Chakotay noticed Kathryn was beginning to experience difficulty and noted he was also. Kathryn's condition deteriorated quickly during the ninth month and Chakotay had to carry her more and more often down to their bench. With her condition and eyesight worsening, she failed to notice that he was beginning to have difficulty lifting and carrying her.

But one day when he stumbled and almost dropped her, she did notice.

"What is it my love?" she asked.

"Darn Arthritis. The Doc said I was prone to it in my later years and without any treatment up here it is getting worse."

Kathryn looked up at him, concern etched in her face and placing a hand gently on his cheek said how sorry she was that he had to carry her now with it being so difficult for him. He had shushed such talk and they started laughing about the fall Lopez had taken earlier in the day when he had tripped on a vine.

"We are all getting old, Chakotay," Kathryn had managed to gasp between giggles.

One night, while both were lying in bed talking, Kathryn had suddenly, and matter-of-factly, said, "My time is getting near, sweetheart." Chakotay's only response was to kiss her and pull her close.

As Kathryn became weaker, White Rain and Lopez constantly hovered nearby to add any assistance should Chakotay need it, with neither no longer concerned about being seen.

Then - the fateful night. They were up much later than usual and having a cup of tea when Kathryn looked at Chakotay, took hold of his hand and said in a quiet, weak voice, "I'm afraid my time is here, my love."

Chakotay stood, and with difficulty, in fact almost falling in his struggle to lift Kathryn, carried her to their bench, sat and arranged her in a comfortable position on his lap.

She looked at him after they were settled, her breathing labored, "It's not arthritis is it, darling."

Chakotay hesitated a moment then decided it wouldn't hurt for her to know, now that her time was here.

"No it isn't arthritis. The bug has returned to claim me, too, sweetheart, only with my larger muscles, bigger frame, being a man, I don't know which or even if they are a factor, it has taken longer. But I have been so very afraid all week I was going to leave before you."

Kathryn snuggled her head down onto his chest, not saying a word. Finally looking up at him she smiled.

"In a way I'm glad we are going to pass on so close to one another, I have been very worried about you."

He smiled and said, "I'm glad, too, my love. I couldn't live without you, even for a little while."

Kathryn's breathing became very ragged and then after two deep breaths she lifted her face to him. Chakotay dipped his head and kissed her deeply, then pulled back and just looked at her.

Placing a hand on his cheek, she whispered with fading breath, "I am going to leave you now, my dearest, I love you so much," took another breath, closed her eyes and quietly passed away.

Chakotay lifted his face to the sky, wanting to shout at the Spirits for taking Kathryn, the love of his life and his sou lmate, but he couldn't muster the strength. Instead he nuzzled his cheek on her forehead and closing his eyes, just sat in silence while he held her tightly.

White Rain and Lopez sitting a short distance away knew immediately Kathryn had left Chakotay, but made no move to remove her from his arms, just sat quietly and now watched their brother.

An hour and a half passed with Chakotay barely making a move. Suddenly he raised his head, glanced slowly around 'their quiet place', then turned his head and looked at where he knew White Rain and Lopez were, nodded, and nuzzling his cheek back down on Kathryn's cold forehead whispered, "I am coming to be with you now my love," took a breath and slipped away to join his beloved Kathryn.

White Rain and Lopez waited ten minutes then quietly rose and approached their brother and sister. White Rain lifted Kathryn and Lopez took Chakotay and they walked to the stream, laying them down gently on the bank, their mood quiet and reverent. Dawn was not too far away and as the fog started rolling in it presented a mystical, almost surreal appearance to the scene as it engulfed White Rain, Lopez, Kathryn and Chakotay in shadowy images.

While White Rain made preparations to cleanse them, Lopez walked to the cabin and retrieved the 'lay away' garments both Kathryn and Chakotay had quietly slipped to him, picked up the burial blanket and headed back. After giving the garments to White Rain he walked to the burial area which was near the beloved garden, spread the blanket, then taking a shovel started to dig.

Just as he was finishing, White Rain signaled to him and they brought the bodies up from the stream, placing Chakotay on his back on the blanket and Kathryn on her side beside him. They wrapped their arms around each other, and then carefully wrapped the burial blanket around them. Finally they were gently and reverently lowered to their final resting place.

As Lopez commenced the task of filling in the dirt, White Rain returned to the cabin and got the Burial Marker he had recently made, quietly filled in the star date, picked up two more markers and returning to the site, pounded the markers in the ground. After Lopez patted the last spade full of dirt in place the two men stepped back and looked at the grave. The marker simply read:


Kathryn and Chakotay

Together Forever


As they stood quietly paying their last respects the sun suddenly broke through the drifting pockets of fog and a ray of sunshine streaked through the overhanging tangle branches and engulfed the grave. White Rain and Lopez looked at one another and smiled and as the ray grew and embraced them, turned their faces to the sky and each extended one arm to the heavens.

After another final look and moment of silence, they turned and walked slowly up the path toward the house. When their time came they would also rest here. Their markers were already up, one on each side of Kathryn and Chakotay.

*******

Epilogue

The next day, White Rain and Lopez flew to San Francisco. Their first order of business was to report the deaths of Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay to Starfleet. They followed this with messages to Tom and B'Elanna, Harry and Neelix, and then sent a subspace message to Tuvok on Vulcan.

The media had a large news report on their passing and word spread quickly to former Voyager crewmembers. Neelix had immediately contacted White Rain before they left to return home and asked to visit the grave. Without hesitation his request was granted and directions given. Tom, B'Elanna and Harry made a trip soon after that and spent the night talking to White Rain and Lopez about the Captain and Chakotay's life there. In the days that followed, many crewmembers also made the solemn journey. Neelix returned faithfully once a month to tend the grave, place flowers and pay his respects to the two people he dearly loved.

A year to the day, virtually the entire crew of Voyager, including Tuvok, journeyed to the site to have a memorial service and pay their respects. It was agreed they would meet every year at this place in honor of their Captain and First Officer.

After everyone had departed, White Rain, now quite elderly and in failing health, walked to the gravesite, lay down beside Chakotay and quietly joined his brother. Neelix, who was spending a couple of days, along with Lopez found him an hour later and they quickly set about the task of laying him to rest beside Chakotay.

After finishing this task, Neelix asked if he could live here year around and Lopez welcomed him. Five years later Lopez was killed in a tragic accident. While felling a tree for winter wood, a branch had snagged on a nearby tree, whip-lashed back and hit Lopez in the head, killing him instantly. Neelix laid him beside Kathryn and the three brothers and sister were together once again.

Neelix remained faithful to his comrades, living the rest of his days here. And after their son and daughter had gone off to the Academy, Tom and B'Elanna appeared one day and asked Neelix if they could also stay here, to be followed a few years later by Harry, his wife and the EMH. It was explained Starfleet was going to terminate the Doctor, calling him out of date, and Harry felt after all the Doctor had done for Voyager that wasn't fair, and had snuck him away.

With five members of Voyager now living here, plus the four at eternal rest, Neelix decided they had their own little village and it needed a name. Appropriately it was called Voyager's Haven.


The End
January 1999

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